Tag: mental health

Never knew how much id hate the sun when i had a kid

Never knew how much id hate the sun when i had a kid

The weather is fabulous, hot hot hot. Normally id be loving it being a bit of a sun worshipper but with a new born its hell!!! 
I cannot keep the poor kid cool. He wont sleep upstairs as its beyond hot.

The gro egg of doom taunts me with its red glow and sad face on a nightly basis at the moment

Dont get me wrong its a brilliant bit of kit but at 3am when the boy wont settle, i can feel it judging me!!! 

To move on from the weather thiugh….

Yesterday was Fathers Day and Mr Me got to celebrate AT LAST.

Little T got him an engraved box with lots of pictures round the side, and a card of course.

Mr Me fancied lunch out so off we went to the Trafford Centre as we were able to control Little Ts temperature somewhat there. Whilst waiting for a lift, a lady asked me if i was behind Confessions of Little Miss PMA!!!! She told me she had been reading for years and recognised us from pictures. Id been spotted. Im famous! I was so taken aback but so so grateful to her. You dont know it but you made our day, so, thank you!! 

We had a lovely lunch and i got my pushing present…

I still cant get my wedding and engagement rings on so this is a place holder until i can. I love it!!! 

Emotionally ive been feeling much more positive. Until this morning when i was knackered due to having 2hrs sleep and Little T just whinging for nearly 2 hours. I couldve broken down next to him. I had no patience so i walked away, made him a bottle, and he eventually fell asleep. I got an hr and a half too which made all the difference. When i woke up i was refreshed and able to deal with grumpy Little T. Its amazing how much brighter things seem when youve got 3.5hrs sleep in your pocket. Even if it is broken. Happy Days.

We have been to baby clinic today, Little T is now 8lb 15oz and finally able to start using the sleeping bags we bought as he kicks off blankets. Of course its now too bloody hot to use such a thing but itll be great when it cools down. Poor lad is currently just sleeping in a vest at night. During the day hes in a nappy under a muslin. Usually hates being naked but thats how hot it is.

The poor fur babies are beyond themselves too.

Splash is camped out by an additonal water bowl and i found Smudge in the bath yesterday!! Id hate to have a fur coat on in this heat!!! 

I definitely feel more confident at this parenting thing, we are getting out almost everyday, it no longer takes an hour just to leave the house. I can read Little Ts cues more easily, hes gaining weight and most importantly ive kept him alive for 5 weeks!!!!

Im still overwhelmed by it all sometimes. Its not how i imagined but i am being rewarded. We think he is close to smiling which will be amazeballs. Its much harder than i imagined. I didnt expect my relationship with Mr Me to change as much as it has either.

We will be going on date night this week just to talk and reconnect. We miss each other for sure and Mr Me did confess he was struggling which actually made me feel oodles better as i thought it was just me. Itll be nice to have one on one time for a few hours to remember we are not just parents. Plus im looking forward to a few cocktails 🍾πŸ₯‚πŸΉπŸΈ

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Not how i thought Paddys Day would go down

Not how i thought Paddys Day would go down

Firstly, an update on Splash, as a few people have asked after him. He saw a cardiologist Monday who ran some bloods and performed an ultrasound.

He has heart disease. What he experienced was heart failure. So, hes on 5 tablets a day, 6 twice a week. He’s doing well, eating, popping out for short spells and handling the pills beautifully. We have to keep an eye on his breathing and he is at risk of throwing a clot but we are focussing on the positives.

The prognosis used to be a life expectancy of 6 months but if we keep him stress free and indoors as much as possible, he could live another couple of years.

The third trimester is….interesting so far, shall we say. I appear to be getting bigger by the day, as noted by a fair few people. I am more uncomfortable already but also, the end is in sight.

The kicks are becoming more painful and sleeping for more than a few hours is nigh on impossible. But, i love how big he is now, love that im still pregnant. Im so grateful.

The flip side is my anxiety has ramped up. Even though im only a couple of months off delivery, im still really worried about what could go wrong. Case and point being Friday night…

Little dude was quiet all day but as he’s normally most active in the early evening, i tried not to worry. Once home after work, i laid on my left after a cold drink, and waited. I got a couple of taps but nothing reassuring.

At 7pm i decided to go to MAU. And that is where i stayed until midnight.

As soon as the doppler was used to find a heartbeat, he began to move, i could hear them but not see or feel them. We then spent 40 mins on the CTG, where he decided to really make an ass of me and wriggled loads, making my bump move and everything.

They decided to scan me for further reassurance, that involved waiting for a doctor. So we waited, and waited….and waited some more. 

Eventually the doctor was free so we went in for the scan, heart beating away nicely, wriggling about and….he winked at us. No word of a lie. He was facing the probe, we could see one of his eyes and he blinked!!! It was like he was saying ‘you thought you were having a quiet night in didnt ya? i had other plans, hehehe’

It hit me then that i might actually get to see this babys eyes, something i have never been able to experience before. That was a really lovely thought, and made the trip worth while.

We had a bit of a scare regarding the house this week. It looked like the sale of ours wasnt going ahead and that it could be going back on the market. The estate agent gave our buyer an ultimatium and thankfully it worked and his valuation is scheduled for next week. I just hope he keeps up now as im pretty desperate to move and get settled.

As we are in limbo, im not buying much for baby, i need a crib and mattresses but really want to wait til i move before purchasing them. The big stuff im ok with, but the littler things are still a struggle…

I still cant buy much in the way of clothes, ive bought 3 things total for this little dude, i just feel overwhelmed when im surrounded by baby clothes, or nappies or wipes etc. I just bolt. It still feels too soon to buy such things.

Luckily, my Mum is having a lovely time, since i gave her the go ahead at 24 weeks to buy things. Shes bought him a fair amount of clothes and is now working on nappies and wipes so im sure ill have lots when she brings it all to the new house.

Today, we have had a lazy day with a film marathon. Ive spent most of the day on the sofa, (which isnt the most comfy of places these days but i cant spend all day in bed) being kicked pretty much non stop, which is much more like him.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

3 years…

3 years…

Today marks 3 years since we lost Milo. After a 36 hour labour he was born sleeping on this day in 2014.

Im ok. Im aware of what today is. Ive been aware since 1st March. I hate March. 

Im more anxious i think, im constantly willing the little dude to move today. Ive planned distractions but i cant deny my anxiety is up to a 7 roughly.

Time is a great healer. I wont deny. The gaping hole he left is now much more manageable. I still miss him. Still wonder about him. 

But im a pragmatist. I try so hard to think about the future and focus on what is good. Things are really good, 29 weeks pregnant, and buying a beautiful house.

Life isnt fair, what we have been through has been horrific but it was crumble or survive, and human nature pushes for survival.

Ive already been out and about today and seen a lovely rainbow despite it not raining. Im trying to find reassurance in that rainbow, but im worrying overly about the little dude.

So….29 weeks!!! Oh my word. Im shocked im still pregnant. The 3rd trimester is just so alien to me. As im currently ahead of the game in regards to the house move, and baby showers, i do focus more on the pregnancy which is anxiety inducing. 

Im looking forward to the end of March as i start antenatal classes, my baby showers are in early April, we will hopefully move mid/late April, all of which will stop mind assuming the worst all the time.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

28+4 Growth Scan

28+4 Growth Scan

Today we saw the little dude today for the 1st time in forever, well, 5 weeks!! 

I had my pre term clinic cervical scan 1st, its 3cm and closed so ive been signed off from that clinic now!! Woohoo. No more dates with the dildocam!! 

Then we moved onto the growth scan. He has a huge head (to me, for pushing out. HC is 285mm!!), big tummy and average thigh bone length. 

His estimated weight as of today is 3lbs 1oz. He’s huge!!! 

This is him with his face turned to the camera and arms up by his chin

My amniotic fluid levels are normal, my placenta still posterior and high with normal structure and blood flow to baby and placenta are excellent.

Essentially im text book. WOW!!! 

He has gone from the 46th centile to the 67th centile but all tracking well so no concerns! 

I had routine bloods done, my blood pressure and urine are fine. All in all im physically fine. Next scan is in 3 weeks.

After the exams i had a chat with V. I had 2 worries today.

1 – not being on a ward after the birth. I really think my anxiety will spike if im surrounded by other Mums and Babies. I dont sleep well at the best of times and being on a ward means i wouldnt sleep at all. I really want to establish breastfeeding if i can before leaving and i think id be too flustered in a ward. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it.

V said that when we do my birth plan she will pop all the above down and recommend a private room if there is one available. I totally understand that other Mummies may need it more than me though so its not a gurantee, but she said the ward will try really hard. So thats 1 anxiety down

2 – i dont want to go over 40 weeks. We know exactly when i concieved and placentas arent made to last forever and i worry about it failing after 40 weeks.

V said that ill most likely be induced at 38 weeks as that really is term and research shows its a good time for baby to be born. This will be brought forward if there are concerns, but it was music to my ears. We will firm up at date nearer the time but looks like the little dude will be here within the next 10 weeks. Eeeeep. Its actually more like 9 weeks on saturday….

SINGLE FIGURES!!!! 

So that was my morning! Exciting, nerve wracking, scary but good scary,  stuff.

Mr Me has now emailed our solicitor to see if we can speed up the house move too as we are currently set to move late April with baby now due mid May.

Its all go go go

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

It’s V day!!!!!!

It’s V day!!!!!!

24 weeks baby, 24 weeks!! We did it. Baby Boy is officially viable and the medical professionals can now help him if he arrives early. This is a massive milestone! 

When i found out i was pregnant, i really couldnt imagine being this pregnant. For a long time i thought we wouldnt ever get past 21 weeks. But then i got to 22 weeks and i was like ‘ok we may do this’ and now, bam! 24 fucking weeks!!! 

I dont normally swear (on here) but ive been hoping for this day since we lost Milo in 2014, so forgive my potty mouth! 

When you grieve a loss, theres a moment when you wake up and you forget you have lost, and then it hits you again. Ive experienced a lot of mornings like that. But lately, ive experienced something very different…

When i wake up, i forget im pregnant for a few moments, then he moves and i think ‘ooosh thats bad wind….hang on no, thats the baby!’ The feeling of elation upon realising this every morning is wonderful, and then the worries kick in and i get on with my day.

Today was no exception, i forgot, remembered and then remembered it was V day too.

As im carrying a viable baby now, i thought it high time to mention to Facebook land that im pregnant. L has mentioned it, as has Mr Me but i never have. This was my post…

I popped on some photos from the 3D scan and the gender reveal video as well as some new photos of my 24 week bump…

Smudge Cat, always wants to be involved
Looks like someone put a football under my T-shirt!
The answer is Yes, Yes it does!

As you can see from my VERY cheesy grin, im very pleased with myself! 

To celebrate we picked up some baby bits i ordered earlier in the week

A swing, a bath, a mobile, a toy and a moses basket!
The Elephant has been nicknamed ‘Harry Elephante’ (Friends Fans should know why!)

After collecting our purchases we went for pancakes as a treat.

My mother in law offered to buy us the cot yesterday (thank you so so much) so we went to have a look at some. I was going to hold off buying one but i found one i loved so a deposit has gone down on that and a chest of drawers with changing table on top. Its beginning to feel very real. I did have to walk out of the shop and build myself up before purchasing them as i do still worry about tempting fate!! 

So now he has;

  • Transport home (car seat)
  • A pram
  • A place to sleep (moses basket and cot bed)
  • A place to sit (swing chair)
  • A way to keep clean
  • Storage for his clothes

Thats the main things we need so im feeling pretty good, the planner in me is satisfied. For now.

As we have put the house on the market, we’ve spent the rest of the afternoon de-cluttering the house ready for the photographer tomorrow, and viewings on Tuesday. Ive also found a house i love on paper, and im going to book a viewing ASAP. So lets hope ours sells quickly, the agent seems very confident!!

I cannot stop smiling!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS – you can start buying now! 

Mental Health and Rainbows

Mental Health and Rainbows

Phew, its Friday!! Im not sleeping too well at the moment. Partly because i cant get comfy and partly because ive a lot on my mind. Nothing horrific, just lots going on.

This week was a 3 hospital visit week. Counselling went well, im doing good, but need to get my head round the fact im probably actually going to have a baby and i need to start thinking about things like maternity leave and antenatal classes and you know, HAVING A BABY!! 

I also met with the mental health midwifery team. They were lovely, ive actually been signed off from them as im managing so well. Go me. We had a good chat and the biggest thing i came away with is that i dont need to reduce/stop taking my antidepressants. The Doctor said that whilst im feeling good and positive, why mess with that? I can breastfeed on the meds im on and the risks to baby in utero are tiny tiny so better to keep Mummy happy and healthy.

The last appointment of the week was with Rainbow Clinic yesterday. It was my 1st appointment with them and they were lovely. I had a couple of students in as well as Mr Me, Mum, my midwife and the Dr but it was all good.

Baby is measuring pretty much bang on average, hes in the 42nd percentile just now and his weight is estimated to be 1lb 5ozs. He definitley has his Daddys nose too! 

Theres a very slight issue with the blood flow to my uterus on the right, the artery is still slightly twisted instead of a funnel so the blood is having to work harder. Its not affecting baby in anyway and should be resolved by 28 weeks when im next scanned.

To say im pleased is an understatement. I love being average and normal and essentially boring, its what you hope for in a Rainbow Pregnancy.

To celebrate i ordered a moses basket and baby chair. Mum bought a mobile and toy. These are to be collected on Sunday as its V day. V being Viability, not Valentines! 

Im now also the proud owner of a MATB1 form, something ive never had before. I plan to give it to work hopefully next week but im still unsure on dates for maternity/annual leave use, plus im not actually 24 weeks yet so dont want to tempt fate. I feel like a proper pregnant person who may actually have a baby with that form in my folder! 

In other news, just to keep things simple, we have put the house on the market. Why not, eh? We’ve not been happy here for a long while and it seems that interest is picking up in our area so we could sell for a decent price/profit.

The photographer comes Monday and there are 5 viewings booked for Tuesday so its all go.

Im currently trawling the house websites picking out favourites, which we then visit before viewing to see if we like the area. Its quite a good little system we have going actually as we are eliminating houses quite quickly from the ever growing list of ‘possibles’. Its very exciting.

I got to meet my friends baby, A, this week, shes adorable. She even threw up on me! Im taking it as a compliment! It was good to talk to A’s Mummy too as shes got some great advice to give and ive missed her a lot. 

Its been a good week!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

23 weeks!!!!

23 weeks!!!!

1 week to go until viability!!! I remember it feeling a lifetime away and now its next week….its unreal. 

Mainly been a quiet week of stronger kicks and punches and a growing bump.

However, on Thursday i started with bad backache and by the time i left work it was so reminisent of Millie’s labour that i took myself off to the hospital.

Blood pressure fine, heartbeat strong and clear and no contractions. Protein and leukocytes in my urine revealed a water infection though so not a total waste of their time. I felt silly but given my history of early labour, i was given antibiotics there and then.

I explained to the Midwives and Doctor that it was most likely nothing and i was just panicking due to my history. Every single one of them told me it was fine, and that they are there for reassurance, and never to feel silly about going in. 

Im very lucky to have a very active little boy inside me but he does seem to have quieter days on a Friday. By the evening hes bouncing about all over the place but during the day hes sleepy. Must be prepping for a wild weekend πŸ˜‚πŸ™ˆ

Hes very strong now so my tummy moves a bit and i can feel him on the outside. He stops whenever Daddy tries to feel still!!! 

So, last night, i tricked him. We were in bed and little dude was kicking up a storm. So i whispered to Mr Me to slip his hand onto my tummy in place of mine, and he carried on having his little party, none the wiser. Poor Mr Me couldnt talk throughout or little dude would stop but he got a good 4 big kicks which is the most he’s felt ever!! 

I felt a little low yesterday, no particular reason, although the barrage of payday deal emails when we hadnt actually been paid yet were fairly annoying! So i decided we were to go out.

We had lunch, bought me some maternity tops and looked at baby stuff without an anxiety attack happening! I was disappointed by the lack of moses baskets available in shops. I did have a little play with my pram in the shop and then realised ive no idea how to operate it so will need to ask for another demo!! 

After i relayed this to my Mum, she started looking online and before you know it Ive got 4 items saved in a basket on the Asda Baby Event!! Saved, not bought. Soon to be bought. My brother can get further discount too so once thats set up im sure the basket will be empty and the goods on their way to me.

Bestie L is VERY excited shes allowed to shop as of next week. I feel she may go a little wild, by that i mean, very. Theres no stopping her though, she, like us has waited a long time for this!! 

So this week i have 2 appointments. One with the mental health midwifery team. In that appointment we shall discuss how im coping i imagine and id like to discuss reducing my anti depressant dosage too, but in a controlled way. I do plan to come totally off them in the third trimester.

The 2nd appointment is my 1st with the Rainbow Clinic so will involve a scan. My midwife will be about too. I think they look at placenta health and baby growth. Id love them to estimate his weight, i dont know why but im curious! 

Happy weekend! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Walking out of a scan and being OK, its still weird

Walking out of a scan and being OK, its still weird

Yesterday, we had our final fetal heart scan.

In the words of the fab consultant ‘its a boring, healthy heart’

Walking out of a scan and knowing things are going well, is still so weird!! 

Without realising it, you hold yourself tense, waiting for the bad news. Every muscle is tense, just waiting for them to say ‘im so sorry, but….’ 

The sense of relief when you DONT hear those words is indescribable. So much so, Mr Me shed a tear after the scan on Tuesday. He struggles more with scans than i do now, i have the advantage of feeling little man on a daily basis though.

So here we are, 1.5 weeks away from Viability, i still cant believe it really. People are asking me about Maternity Leave now, ive not even thought about it to be honest. Ive planned twice before and then never got to take it, so i just havent put any thought into it.

Soon ill be getting my MATB1 form though and then ill have to notify work of my leave date….eeep!! 

In the meantime i have more appointments to keep me busy, the mental health midwifery team and Rainbow Clinic are both scheduled for next week. I cant believe im most likely going to be meeting these people at 23 weeks pregnant!!! WTF?!! 

So, here we are at 22+3 with everything going as it should. Little man is very strong and wallops me like mad at times, he makes my tummy move and sometimes takes my breath away, and hes only going to get stronger.

I cant wait.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Daddy felt kicks πŸ˜πŸ˜

Daddy felt kicks πŸ˜πŸ˜

After a very quiet day yesterday, baby went mad last night for 3 hours straight. It was lovely and very reassuring.

The best bit though was Mr Me getting to feel kicks!! This is the first time in 3 pregnancies hes ever felt them and im so so happy he finally got to share that experience with me.

I had felt baby kick my hand on Wednesday but Mr Me missed it.

We both feel like we are holding back, bonding wise, just in case. Which is a massive shame but i think necessary given our past experience.

It was a wonderful moment though.

PS i dont know gender yet but 90% sure its a girl hence me using that pronoun. Its easier than writing him/her or s/he all the time.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Anxiety girl is back…

Anxiety girl is back…

Woke up at 6am and straight away wanted to feel baby wriggle. Laid there for an hour willing s/he to move. 

Nothing.

When Mr Me got up i asked for a glass of milk as the cold normally sets off movement.

Nothing.

Anxiety is at level 8. I told Mr Me and he asked if baby normally moves at that time? I said i didnt know as im normally asleep. Mr Me explained it could be normal then. Good point.

I sometimes feel something when applying my make up.

Nothing.

I sometimes feel her in the car.

Nothing.

I usually feel her around mid morning.

Nothing.

By 11.30 i had drank cold Coca Cola, laid on the floor of the office and put something cold on my bump.

Nothing.

The sensible side of me knows im panicking because my anxiety is high, because its telling me something is wrong. But anxiety is winning.

Whilst on the floor i felt baby under my skin, so i prod and poke loads thinking baby would turn round and give me a right wallop.

Nothing.

At this point my anxiety tells me baby is floating to the top because the heart has stopped, just like a fish in a tank thats died. I email my midwife just to get it off my chest.

I eat lunch and drink more Coke.

Was that a flutter or was it wind from the fizzy drink? 

At 3.15 i decide to ring the hospital, line is busy, i try again, still busy. Repeat x5, busy.

At 3.35 the baby FINALLY wakes up/comes out of hiding/hears my pleas and goes mad for a good 10 minutes.

Panic subsiding.

Go home, not a peep in the car, sit on the sofa. 

Faint flutters turn into flips and harder pokes and prods.

Baby is fine. Mummy is exhausted with worry.

Going to be a LONG week

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx