Tag: mental health

Its all starting to make sense

Its all starting to make sense

I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.

Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.

I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.

Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.

Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux) 

Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine. 

Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.

I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy. 

Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.

Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.

My family is special. And i love being a mummy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Loving him is hard because….

Loving him is hard because….

I have the feels. All the feels. Im besotted, hes amazing, i cant remember life without him

But it took 8 weeks. 8 weeks to admit i loved him, 8 weeks to allow myself those feelings. To be honest im still cautious but my heart swells with his first smile of the day, regardless of my fear.

Infertility sucks on many levels. The months (years) of trying and failing. The agony of a period. The hoops to jump through en route to IVF, the hundreds of injections, watching all your friends have babies. People getting bored of your journey, the agony of IVF failures, of cancelled cycles, of feeling you are worth nothing as a woman. I could go on. 

Basically its shit. And you know what, it continues to be shit even though i now have my very own mini human. Why? Because it hindered the love…it took so long for Little T to feel like mine, rather than me looking after someone elses baby. I was waiting for the bubble to burst. A small part of me still is and always will be, i guess.

Im still jealous of the fertile people, they decide to get pregnant and within months, are. No military planning, no saving thousands of pounds. Just happens or a little cycle observation and bam, preggers.

I still envy a bump. Stare in awe. Wish i could do it without investing time and money. Its silly, but true.

Baby loss literally built a wall around my heart. A wall im still chipping away at. Losing 2 children, 2 (IVF) babies, is soul destroying. It messes you up in so many ways. Ways i thought id dealt with. Then Little T came along and i realised i was messed up in ways i didnt imagine. 

For weeks i thought i would lose him. That he would die. Thats what my babies did, they died. I was beyond terrified to love this tiny human in case he left me. I couldnt contemplate another loss. I just knew it would break me. So i kept Little T at arms length. Worried that loving him would mean losing him. 

That fear consumed me. For so many weeks. Until the fear of seeing my baby, my offspring, in pain. The 8 week immunisations. Thank god for them, not only for the protection they offer but for opening my heart.

Feeling guarded, not loving my child. Shameful? Not at all. Just the way things are after the hand id been dealt. I will always admit to these feelings, ill never regret what ive been through. I truly am a better person for it. Never did i think itd extend this far into my life though…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS heres a cute pic of Little T

When it happens…

When it happens…

This week has been a good one. I went to my 1st group (Hartbeeps, thanks for the recomendation). Little T was more interested in having a feed for most of it but i found it fun and interesting so will go back next week.

Little T had his 8 week jabs. And thats when it happened. I realised how much i love that little boy. Even before we got into the surgery i felt on the verge of tears, i was so upset that he was going to suffer. He on the other hand, was very brave. Im very proud but seeing the plasters on his chunky legs is heartbreaking

2 jabs in this leg
And 1 in this one

He does seem to enjoy the calpol afterwards though. And hes given me a fair few smiles since so i think im forgiven.

I told Mr Me that i realised i loved Little T and he laughed and told me he knew i did but also knew how scary that is. Its a sad affair when it takes your child being physically harmed for you to realise you love them but at least im there now and can start to enjoy being his Mum.

Also met up with the NCT ladies again this week. Such a lovely bunch with such lovely babies. So nice to get together to swap tips and war stories, have a natter with people that really get it. Im glad i have them in my life.

Ive also seen my work colleagues so ive been very social this week. Of course that means im fairly shattered now!!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PND

PND

I havent been to a baby group this week. I found a perfect one on Tuesday afternoon but talked myself out of it. They advised bringing a water nappy for the baby and i told myself Little T was too young for water play.

That was a lie.

I wasnt brave enough.

I did tell the GP last week i was struggling and have upped my antidepressants to my pre IVF level. Im yet to feel the benefit but it takes time and im back at the GP for monitoring next week.

I thought id go back to counselling. Mr Me made the call as i couldnt but ive lost my place due to non attendance (i missed 5 weeks = 2 sessions). So im back on the waiting list. My GP did say she could make a referral too, i wanted continuity but perhaps time is of the essence so i think ill explain the situation to her next week and see what she thinks.

Like 75% of women im suffering with post natal depression. Its no surprise and i kinda expected it. Its hard though. Its taken the form of struggling to love Little T and feeling fat and low. 

I know why im struggling to love Little T.

Im scared.

Im terrified he will be taken away. I feel like ive moved on from the SIDS fear. I sometimes forget to put the sensor mat on, so my fear is definitely lessening but i cant let my guard down.

Hes a beautiful little boy, he looks at me with such adoration and his smile…wow. I would do anything for him, id never hurt him. Im just too scared to love him. And thats so sad. 

Look at that smile!!!

To fix that i need to talk. And im trying to sort that.

Weight. Im huge. Im techinically overweight according to BMI too. NEVER EVER THOUGHT ID BE OVERWEIGHT. Ok so im a size 14 bottom and 12 top. I can manage the 12, kind of. But the 14? From a size 6. Nope. I hate my tummy. Hate it. I KNOW its only been 7 weeks but the thought of being this big for the foreseeable? Nah. I have 7 items of clothing ive bought new, everything else is too fecking small and its contributing to my low mood.

Mr Me suggested joining one of the weight loss mummy groups. And thats great except my anxiety is in too much control to let me yet. Plus i have nothing to wear. πŸ˜‰

Depression and anxiety is a vicious cycle. Depression is worse for me when im on my own with no adult stimulation. I need to meet other Mummies ASAP. Anxiety stops me going out to meet new people. It does look like ill get to see more of the NCT ladies now though, we met at L’s house for tea yesterday and said we would keep meeting up so fingers crossed thatll happen. Its nice to meet them as we all have the same parenting struggles and its nice to feel we are not alone. No one wants to feel alone.

So yeah, thats where im at. Struggling but working on it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Never knew how much id hate the sun when i had a kid

Never knew how much id hate the sun when i had a kid

The weather is fabulous, hot hot hot. Normally id be loving it being a bit of a sun worshipper but with a new born its hell!!! 
I cannot keep the poor kid cool. He wont sleep upstairs as its beyond hot.

The gro egg of doom taunts me with its red glow and sad face on a nightly basis at the moment

Dont get me wrong its a brilliant bit of kit but at 3am when the boy wont settle, i can feel it judging me!!! 

To move on from the weather thiugh….

Yesterday was Fathers Day and Mr Me got to celebrate AT LAST.

Little T got him an engraved box with lots of pictures round the side, and a card of course.

Mr Me fancied lunch out so off we went to the Trafford Centre as we were able to control Little Ts temperature somewhat there. Whilst waiting for a lift, a lady asked me if i was behind Confessions of Little Miss PMA!!!! She told me she had been reading for years and recognised us from pictures. Id been spotted. Im famous! I was so taken aback but so so grateful to her. You dont know it but you made our day, so, thank you!! 

We had a lovely lunch and i got my pushing present…

I still cant get my wedding and engagement rings on so this is a place holder until i can. I love it!!! 

Emotionally ive been feeling much more positive. Until this morning when i was knackered due to having 2hrs sleep and Little T just whinging for nearly 2 hours. I couldve broken down next to him. I had no patience so i walked away, made him a bottle, and he eventually fell asleep. I got an hr and a half too which made all the difference. When i woke up i was refreshed and able to deal with grumpy Little T. Its amazing how much brighter things seem when youve got 3.5hrs sleep in your pocket. Even if it is broken. Happy Days.

We have been to baby clinic today, Little T is now 8lb 15oz and finally able to start using the sleeping bags we bought as he kicks off blankets. Of course its now too bloody hot to use such a thing but itll be great when it cools down. Poor lad is currently just sleeping in a vest at night. During the day hes in a nappy under a muslin. Usually hates being naked but thats how hot it is.

The poor fur babies are beyond themselves too.

Splash is camped out by an additonal water bowl and i found Smudge in the bath yesterday!! Id hate to have a fur coat on in this heat!!! 

I definitely feel more confident at this parenting thing, we are getting out almost everyday, it no longer takes an hour just to leave the house. I can read Little Ts cues more easily, hes gaining weight and most importantly ive kept him alive for 5 weeks!!!!

Im still overwhelmed by it all sometimes. Its not how i imagined but i am being rewarded. We think he is close to smiling which will be amazeballs. Its much harder than i imagined. I didnt expect my relationship with Mr Me to change as much as it has either.

We will be going on date night this week just to talk and reconnect. We miss each other for sure and Mr Me did confess he was struggling which actually made me feel oodles better as i thought it was just me. Itll be nice to have one on one time for a few hours to remember we are not just parents. Plus im looking forward to a few cocktails 🍾πŸ₯‚πŸΉπŸΈ

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Not how i thought Paddys Day would go down

Not how i thought Paddys Day would go down

Firstly, an update on Splash, as a few people have asked after him. He saw a cardiologist Monday who ran some bloods and performed an ultrasound.

He has heart disease. What he experienced was heart failure. So, hes on 5 tablets a day, 6 twice a week. He’s doing well, eating, popping out for short spells and handling the pills beautifully. We have to keep an eye on his breathing and he is at risk of throwing a clot but we are focussing on the positives.

The prognosis used to be a life expectancy of 6 months but if we keep him stress free and indoors as much as possible, he could live another couple of years.

The third trimester is….interesting so far, shall we say. I appear to be getting bigger by the day, as noted by a fair few people. I am more uncomfortable already but also, the end is in sight.

The kicks are becoming more painful and sleeping for more than a few hours is nigh on impossible. But, i love how big he is now, love that im still pregnant. Im so grateful.

The flip side is my anxiety has ramped up. Even though im only a couple of months off delivery, im still really worried about what could go wrong. Case and point being Friday night…

Little dude was quiet all day but as he’s normally most active in the early evening, i tried not to worry. Once home after work, i laid on my left after a cold drink, and waited. I got a couple of taps but nothing reassuring.

At 7pm i decided to go to MAU. And that is where i stayed until midnight.

As soon as the doppler was used to find a heartbeat, he began to move, i could hear them but not see or feel them. We then spent 40 mins on the CTG, where he decided to really make an ass of me and wriggled loads, making my bump move and everything.

They decided to scan me for further reassurance, that involved waiting for a doctor. So we waited, and waited….and waited some more. 

Eventually the doctor was free so we went in for the scan, heart beating away nicely, wriggling about and….he winked at us. No word of a lie. He was facing the probe, we could see one of his eyes and he blinked!!! It was like he was saying ‘you thought you were having a quiet night in didnt ya? i had other plans, hehehe’

It hit me then that i might actually get to see this babys eyes, something i have never been able to experience before. That was a really lovely thought, and made the trip worth while.

We had a bit of a scare regarding the house this week. It looked like the sale of ours wasnt going ahead and that it could be going back on the market. The estate agent gave our buyer an ultimatium and thankfully it worked and his valuation is scheduled for next week. I just hope he keeps up now as im pretty desperate to move and get settled.

As we are in limbo, im not buying much for baby, i need a crib and mattresses but really want to wait til i move before purchasing them. The big stuff im ok with, but the littler things are still a struggle…

I still cant buy much in the way of clothes, ive bought 3 things total for this little dude, i just feel overwhelmed when im surrounded by baby clothes, or nappies or wipes etc. I just bolt. It still feels too soon to buy such things.

Luckily, my Mum is having a lovely time, since i gave her the go ahead at 24 weeks to buy things. Shes bought him a fair amount of clothes and is now working on nappies and wipes so im sure ill have lots when she brings it all to the new house.

Today, we have had a lazy day with a film marathon. Ive spent most of the day on the sofa, (which isnt the most comfy of places these days but i cant spend all day in bed) being kicked pretty much non stop, which is much more like him.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

3 years…

3 years…

Today marks 3 years since we lost Milo. After a 36 hour labour he was born sleeping on this day in 2014.

Im ok. Im aware of what today is. Ive been aware since 1st March. I hate March. 

Im more anxious i think, im constantly willing the little dude to move today. Ive planned distractions but i cant deny my anxiety is up to a 7 roughly.

Time is a great healer. I wont deny. The gaping hole he left is now much more manageable. I still miss him. Still wonder about him. 

But im a pragmatist. I try so hard to think about the future and focus on what is good. Things are really good, 29 weeks pregnant, and buying a beautiful house.

Life isnt fair, what we have been through has been horrific but it was crumble or survive, and human nature pushes for survival.

Ive already been out and about today and seen a lovely rainbow despite it not raining. Im trying to find reassurance in that rainbow, but im worrying overly about the little dude.

So….29 weeks!!! Oh my word. Im shocked im still pregnant. The 3rd trimester is just so alien to me. As im currently ahead of the game in regards to the house move, and baby showers, i do focus more on the pregnancy which is anxiety inducing. 

Im looking forward to the end of March as i start antenatal classes, my baby showers are in early April, we will hopefully move mid/late April, all of which will stop mind assuming the worst all the time.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

28+4 Growth Scan

28+4 Growth Scan

Today we saw the little dude today for the 1st time in forever, well, 5 weeks!! 

I had my pre term clinic cervical scan 1st, its 3cm and closed so ive been signed off from that clinic now!! Woohoo. No more dates with the dildocam!! 

Then we moved onto the growth scan. He has a huge head (to me, for pushing out. HC is 285mm!!), big tummy and average thigh bone length. 

His estimated weight as of today is 3lbs 1oz. He’s huge!!! 

This is him with his face turned to the camera and arms up by his chin

My amniotic fluid levels are normal, my placenta still posterior and high with normal structure and blood flow to baby and placenta are excellent.

Essentially im text book. WOW!!! 

He has gone from the 46th centile to the 67th centile but all tracking well so no concerns! 

I had routine bloods done, my blood pressure and urine are fine. All in all im physically fine. Next scan is in 3 weeks.

After the exams i had a chat with V. I had 2 worries today.

1 – not being on a ward after the birth. I really think my anxiety will spike if im surrounded by other Mums and Babies. I dont sleep well at the best of times and being on a ward means i wouldnt sleep at all. I really want to establish breastfeeding if i can before leaving and i think id be too flustered in a ward. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it.

V said that when we do my birth plan she will pop all the above down and recommend a private room if there is one available. I totally understand that other Mummies may need it more than me though so its not a gurantee, but she said the ward will try really hard. So thats 1 anxiety down

2 – i dont want to go over 40 weeks. We know exactly when i concieved and placentas arent made to last forever and i worry about it failing after 40 weeks.

V said that ill most likely be induced at 38 weeks as that really is term and research shows its a good time for baby to be born. This will be brought forward if there are concerns, but it was music to my ears. We will firm up at date nearer the time but looks like the little dude will be here within the next 10 weeks. Eeeeep. Its actually more like 9 weeks on saturday….

SINGLE FIGURES!!!! 

So that was my morning! Exciting, nerve wracking, scary but good scary,  stuff.

Mr Me has now emailed our solicitor to see if we can speed up the house move too as we are currently set to move late April with baby now due mid May.

Its all go go go

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

It’s V day!!!!!!

It’s V day!!!!!!

24 weeks baby, 24 weeks!! We did it. Baby Boy is officially viable and the medical professionals can now help him if he arrives early. This is a massive milestone! 

When i found out i was pregnant, i really couldnt imagine being this pregnant. For a long time i thought we wouldnt ever get past 21 weeks. But then i got to 22 weeks and i was like ‘ok we may do this’ and now, bam! 24 fucking weeks!!! 

I dont normally swear (on here) but ive been hoping for this day since we lost Milo in 2014, so forgive my potty mouth! 

When you grieve a loss, theres a moment when you wake up and you forget you have lost, and then it hits you again. Ive experienced a lot of mornings like that. But lately, ive experienced something very different…

When i wake up, i forget im pregnant for a few moments, then he moves and i think ‘ooosh thats bad wind….hang on no, thats the baby!’ The feeling of elation upon realising this every morning is wonderful, and then the worries kick in and i get on with my day.

Today was no exception, i forgot, remembered and then remembered it was V day too.

As im carrying a viable baby now, i thought it high time to mention to Facebook land that im pregnant. L has mentioned it, as has Mr Me but i never have. This was my post…

I popped on some photos from the 3D scan and the gender reveal video as well as some new photos of my 24 week bump…

Smudge Cat, always wants to be involved
Looks like someone put a football under my T-shirt!
The answer is Yes, Yes it does!

As you can see from my VERY cheesy grin, im very pleased with myself! 

To celebrate we picked up some baby bits i ordered earlier in the week

A swing, a bath, a mobile, a toy and a moses basket!
The Elephant has been nicknamed ‘Harry Elephante’ (Friends Fans should know why!)

After collecting our purchases we went for pancakes as a treat.

My mother in law offered to buy us the cot yesterday (thank you so so much) so we went to have a look at some. I was going to hold off buying one but i found one i loved so a deposit has gone down on that and a chest of drawers with changing table on top. Its beginning to feel very real. I did have to walk out of the shop and build myself up before purchasing them as i do still worry about tempting fate!! 

So now he has;

  • Transport home (car seat)
  • A pram
  • A place to sleep (moses basket and cot bed)
  • A place to sit (swing chair)
  • A way to keep clean
  • Storage for his clothes

Thats the main things we need so im feeling pretty good, the planner in me is satisfied. For now.

As we have put the house on the market, we’ve spent the rest of the afternoon de-cluttering the house ready for the photographer tomorrow, and viewings on Tuesday. Ive also found a house i love on paper, and im going to book a viewing ASAP. So lets hope ours sells quickly, the agent seems very confident!!

I cannot stop smiling!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS – you can start buying now! 

Mental Health and Rainbows

Mental Health and Rainbows

Phew, its Friday!! Im not sleeping too well at the moment. Partly because i cant get comfy and partly because ive a lot on my mind. Nothing horrific, just lots going on.

This week was a 3 hospital visit week. Counselling went well, im doing good, but need to get my head round the fact im probably actually going to have a baby and i need to start thinking about things like maternity leave and antenatal classes and you know, HAVING A BABY!! 

I also met with the mental health midwifery team. They were lovely, ive actually been signed off from them as im managing so well. Go me. We had a good chat and the biggest thing i came away with is that i dont need to reduce/stop taking my antidepressants. The Doctor said that whilst im feeling good and positive, why mess with that? I can breastfeed on the meds im on and the risks to baby in utero are tiny tiny so better to keep Mummy happy and healthy.

The last appointment of the week was with Rainbow Clinic yesterday. It was my 1st appointment with them and they were lovely. I had a couple of students in as well as Mr Me, Mum, my midwife and the Dr but it was all good.

Baby is measuring pretty much bang on average, hes in the 42nd percentile just now and his weight is estimated to be 1lb 5ozs. He definitley has his Daddys nose too! 

Theres a very slight issue with the blood flow to my uterus on the right, the artery is still slightly twisted instead of a funnel so the blood is having to work harder. Its not affecting baby in anyway and should be resolved by 28 weeks when im next scanned.

To say im pleased is an understatement. I love being average and normal and essentially boring, its what you hope for in a Rainbow Pregnancy.

To celebrate i ordered a moses basket and baby chair. Mum bought a mobile and toy. These are to be collected on Sunday as its V day. V being Viability, not Valentines! 

Im now also the proud owner of a MATB1 form, something ive never had before. I plan to give it to work hopefully next week but im still unsure on dates for maternity/annual leave use, plus im not actually 24 weeks yet so dont want to tempt fate. I feel like a proper pregnant person who may actually have a baby with that form in my folder! 

In other news, just to keep things simple, we have put the house on the market. Why not, eh? We’ve not been happy here for a long while and it seems that interest is picking up in our area so we could sell for a decent price/profit.

The photographer comes Monday and there are 5 viewings booked for Tuesday so its all go.

Im currently trawling the house websites picking out favourites, which we then visit before viewing to see if we like the area. Its quite a good little system we have going actually as we are eliminating houses quite quickly from the ever growing list of ‘possibles’. Its very exciting.

I got to meet my friends baby, A, this week, shes adorable. She even threw up on me! Im taking it as a compliment! It was good to talk to A’s Mummy too as shes got some great advice to give and ive missed her a lot. 

Its been a good week!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx