Confession time

I lied. Im not OK about yesterdays news. Its not because im worried about success rates though.

Im worried i might not have the courage to come back. This is going to be a waffaly post as i try sort my head out.

I absolutely understand that there is no way transfer can happen this cycle. Even if it did it’d most likely result in a negative just like my 1st fresh where they did a transfer despite me having OHSS.

Its a head heart thing and yesterday i was all head but the more i thought about the more i realised how much I’ve been struggling.

I’ve pretty much ignored the cycle as much as possible because i am scared. I am scared that history will repeat its self.
I built myself up to come home pregnant and start that long journey over again for the third time.

But now? Now i have time to think. I actually wondered to myself yesterday if i actually wanted to be pregnant ever again. Too much thinking time is a dangerous thing.

I’ve also really struggled mentally with what I’ve had to give up and now im allowed it all again (as of tomorrow anyway) so what if i cant give it all up again.
I know that once those embies are back where they belong, ill find the ‘giving up’ element easier as i wont be doing it for me or for treatment but for my babies and if i cant do it for them I’d be no sort of mother.

So how do i keep up the IVF mindset when not IVFing? How do i stop these fears taking over my mind?

If im totally honest I’ve not really put my all into this cycle…there’s usually a number of things I’d do that i just haven’t (things to stimulate follicle growth which it turns out i didn’t need!) and altho its not hindered my follicle growth, it shows my heart wasn’t in it really.
Is that wrong, or bad? I don’t know. Or is it self preservation.

Its certainly highlighted to me that im more fearful of a pregnancy than i realised which is something ill work on in counselling, and would/will be doing throughout the pregnancy.

Im also a bit sulky. Why is it always me/us this shit happens to. Im the one to loose the baby, im now the one who has to delay treatment whilst everyone else carries on with their dream

The ladies i met yesterday are awesome but again we are the only childless couple out of the 4 of us. And I’ve probably been at this the longest. Oh woe is me. I hate myself for being like this really. Hate feeling sorry for myself and get annoyed that people don’t get it when all they are trying to do is reassure me that it will work, eventually.

At this point I’ve no idea how long a break i need to have before i can come back but i do know it needs to be quick. I thought about leaving it till September so its cooler but the more i think about it the more i know it’ll be delayed due to birthdays, anniversary’s and christmas.

Another problem thats occurred to me is, if i get pregnant (pg) any later than June, im gunna still be pg in March. The month i was so desperate to avoid. I know March isn’t cursed or anything but i really wanted to avoid it given my last 2 births were in March and obviously didn’t end well.

There are heaps (haha thats your fault L) of thoughts and feelings battering me from all sides at the moment and its a bit rough if im honest.

I want to be stronger and more positive for myself like i am for other people but its rapidly draining. The prospect of adoption actually looks quite appealing at the moment as opposed to the fear it used to instill in me.

I feel like a coward, like i could just run away and never come back (except for holidays) but what a waste of time, energy and money that would be. I’ve got THE best team behind me who i have no doubt will get me a take home baby, and i don’t want to let them down either. They work so hard to make miracles. Who am i to bottle it?! After all the effort they put in?

Counselling will help me sort through this and having a time line will help immensely as i can plan and we all know i like to plan.

I need to try put this out of mind for a bit so i can enjoy my time with hubby on holiday but its thrown up so much hidden stuff i had no idea i was even hiding from myself.

And i will bounce back, i always do but sometimes it’d be nice if i didn’t have to.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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