Ive sounded very doom and gloom since Little T was born. Honestly i am enjoying motherhood, its just very different to what i expected and has literally changed everything. People tell you it changes everything but you dont really understand until it happens!!
But its all worth it…
When he fixes on me with his massive eyes, im transfixed, i cant look away, i can see him studying my face, know he knows that hes safe and wanted with me. My Mum says it his ‘look of love’
When he grabs my finger, my top, my skin, even with his razor sharp nails. Its like he holds onto me for security. I make him feel safe. So does a muslin mind you, but you know. I like to see him grab anything, i have a proud parent moment
When he burps/farts/poos im reassured that his little body is working properly and i marvel at the fact that Mr Me and I (and Team Miracle) made this perfect little human
When he smiles, i melt. I know its only wind at this point but hes got an amazing smile.
When he pouts, i melt. I dunno who taught him to pout but its perfect!!
When he makes random happy sounds, its like hes telling me something, like how the side of his pram really is super interesting. Without fail ill make up a conversation between him and i and often outloud, much to the amusement of onlookers
When i look at his face and see my mouth and eyes, his Daddys hands and forehead and chin, it reminds me of how much Mr Me and I love each other and how hard we worked to make this amazing little human
When people stop me and tell me what a gorgeous boy he is and how much they like his name, im so proud that hes mine.
In true me style, its a little dramatic. So much so, Mr Me is helping me write this as ive forgotten a lot as i was in ‘the zone’.
We arrived at the delivery ward at about 12.15pm on Monday 15th May 2017. They were expecting us which was fantastic given the hiccups over the weekend
We were shown to our room and met B, our 1st midwife. B talked to us about the process. Monitor baby, break waters, put me on the drip, wait for labour.
I had cannulas inserted for the hormone drip and so blood could be taken. B got flustered, bless her, so another midwife did my 1st cannula.
Bloods taken, it was time for ARM. Artificial removal of membranes. Using a hook. Its a good long hook but not very sharp. It took 2 hooks to get the waters to fully burst. I stood up to get gravity to help…they ran down my leg through 2 pads. I ended up in a puddle.
I was hooked up to the hormone drip to start contractions. Cramps seemed to start quite quickly. All the while im on the CTG to monitor baby. It showed i was having contractions before any drugs were introduced.
It became apparant i had to go to the loo so unhooked from CTG but hormone drip still attached i relieved myself. Better now than later.
The contractions ramped up at this point. Gas and air was in use. I leaned on the bed and over the bean bag. It felt like i couldnt cope, i thought i was soft. B kept telling me it was happening fast but i assumed my pain threshold had dropped. I was overwhelmed.
At 3, D came in, my 2nd midwife, i could barely talk to her at this point but i noted her pink hair and knew we’d get on. She introduced herself, i asked for drugs.
30 minutes later the anaesthetist arrived and took her sweet time setting up meds and pumps. I was litterally on the floor over a beanbag at this point and had to get to the bed for the patient administration device to be attached to my other hand. Its hard moving CTG wires and drips whilst also contracting for Britain. We moved on the count of 3.
Stuff gets blurry now. Mr Me says once hooked up to the good stuff i told the room at large i loved whoever gave me the good drugs.
I was examined and told i was 6cm. I asked ‘is that all?!’ I was told id gone from 3cm to 6cm in less than hour with no increase in meds and thats why i was overwhelmed.
Mr Me says i was sweating like a good un at this point, contracting really hard. 30 minutes later he noticed the remyfentynill cannula had come out and i was bleeding everywhere.
Gas and Air before each contraction as i no longer had access to the good stuff. Another long wait for the anaesthetist despite the emergency alarm being pulled. 10 people turned up including the anaesthetist but they all promptly left again, including the anaesthetist. Mr Me really wanted to kick off on my behalf as only he and my midwives understood i was in agony.
I briefly opened my eyes but really was concentrating on the pain. I remember being asked for my hand and D telling me she had put loads of plasters on as i was sweating so so much.
Examined again at 3.30pm to be told im fully dilated. 3hrs 45minutes after hormone drip administered. Instead of baby being born by midnight, it was going to be MUCH sooner.
15.33 i started pushing. And pushing. And pushing.
I have never sweat so much in my life. I had bought a cooling spray and it was the best thing ever, Mr Me held my gas and air, sprayed me, and gave me water in between coaching. I think id have passed out without the spray and water.
There was a catheter inserted at some point as they thought pushing wasnt working due to full bladder. Didnt feel or register that!!!
Suddenly baby wasnt coping. Surgeons came in. I was going to theatre. Forceps or C Section were on the cards. Risks were being reeled off. I was asked to sign consents. I had no idea what i was signing. I knew i was exhausted and sensed something was wrong. All i could hear/concentrate on was the rain.
D explained what was going on so i stopped taking the meds. I begged her to get me there as i couldnt do any more. My body kept pushing.
I couldnt stop it so i pushed with no pain relief. I was sober. D was in scrubs, when and why that had happened im not sure. She reminded me about theatre. I begged again.
She told me that we werent going after all. I just pushed and she had seen baby. But i couldnt get him out. They had to cut me. I saw the scalpel but didnt register it. I was doing it drug free. And it fucking hurt. 3 pushes after the cut and they pulled him out. 18.01.
Just over 4 hours. 2.5 of those pushing… the Dr who stitched me, that bloody hurt too despite many locals, said i was a hero.
Toby was taken away after he was briefly put on my chest. He was in shock (he was??) and quiet. Mr Me could see him but i couldnt. I asked 40 times if he was ok, was alive. Finally they gave him back. Not once did he cry.
An hour to stitch me up.
No one tells you it feels like your ass has been blown out after birth. My vagina may not have been involved given the sensation i felt upon standing. Its weird. Really weird. I pee’d and had a shower whist Mr Me dressed Tobias.
I thought birth hurt until labour was over. I was wrong. I still cant move properly. Think John Wayne x 1 million.
Today i had my 24th and final scan. The little man is happy and healthy and estimated at 7lb3oz. That sounds manageable.
I did say ‘shit’ when i saw the measurement across the top of his head…9.3cm. Its normal but bloody hell i have to push that out 🤔😕🤤
In less than 48 hours the induction process begins. It seems so close but so far away. It doesnt seem real still. Ive been getting the house sorted and setting up the nursery and it doesnt click that MY baby will be using it, that ill be bringing baby home this time.
Being honest, i havent enjoyed the washing of everything or the setting up of the nursery and stuff in our room. Ive found it tough, like im tempting fate or that itll amount to nothing. Even putting the car seat base in seems a step too far. Its overwhelming and makes me a bit uncomfortable.
Ive also realised that babies need A LOT of stuff, most of which involves a plug!!!
I just cant imagine having a real life baby but at the same time cant wait for him to be out so i can see, touch, smell and hold him.
We moved house!!!! It wasnt plain sailing, we completed late in the day due to my buyers money going missing when it was transferred to us. This caused a few hours delay which then upset the removal people and stressed out Mr Me.
I on the otherhand, had a lovely time at my pedicure, buying paint and having lunch with my Mum.
Around 3.30pm we got the call to say all monies had transferred and we were able to collect keys. Cats were bundled into boxes and i took them, with Mum to get the keys then on to the new house. From then on it was plainer sailing thankfully.
Despite doing as little as possible, i was flat out exhausted for 2 days following the move. I ached all over, was exhausted but struggled to sleep. We missed dinner with our NCT friends as i just didnt have the energy.
Having said all that, it was TOTALLY worth it. I LOVE my new house, the area, everything. Im so so pleased we moved before baby arrived as despite only being here 5 days, 3 of the 4 rooms that need decorating are done and everything should be in place by next weekend before my induction.
This is largely thanks to M the decorator, J, my Mum and Bro and L, Mr Me’s Mum. Everyone has really pulled together to get things unpacked, boxes taken away to the tip and to make the house liveable. I couldnt be more grateful. I have found it quite frustrating that i cant help as much as id like to, but at 8 months gone, its difficult to sit up on my own, never mind unpack a box!!
I MADE IT TO FULL TERM!!!!!!!!
Yesterday marked 37 weeks of pregnancy. I dont think i ever thought we would get to this point, but here i am sporting a rather large bump with a fully cooked baby inside. OMG
As thrilled as i am, im also so done with being pregnant now. Hats off to ladies who make it to 40 weeks and beyond, i dont know how they do it. Im tired of needing help to sit up, to stand, of my feet being so swollen they dont in fit any shoes. Im tired of waddling, of peeing all the time, of aching after 5 minutes of activity. Im sick of worrying about whether he is moving enough, of not being able to bend my fingers without being in pain, of my clothes not fitting.
Im ready to meet him, to know hes safe, to be a Mummy. Ive 6 days to go until we start induction but i know those 6 days are going to be a lifetime. Dont get me wrong, im hugely grateful to have reached this point, i just want him here in my arms and my body back.
I felt the need to get organised yesterday as a distraction, so a few baby things were built
I do feel better having a few items assesmbled but conversely, worry im tempting fate. Even at this late stage i do see it as 6 days in which things can go wrong. Which is sad and another reason i want him here, in the world, where i can keep an eye on him
After a little practice with the pram, ive collapsed it and stored it, just in case, old wives tale, but its bad luck to have wheels in the house before baby arrives.
The lounge however is looking very family like with moses basket and swing in situ. Mr Me and I were marvelling at how far we have come last night. Its been a LONG 8 years, but we’ve nearly made it.
We finally have a move date!!! We get the keys after the bank holiday, 11 days before my induction. Talk about pushing it.
We found out Tuesday we would be moving in 7 days!!! Thankfully i perform well under pressure and have arranged the removal firm who will also pack, contacted near enough everyone about change of address, arranged for utilities to be transfered, set up a mail redirection service, researched GPs and Vets.
Ive got us both a new dentist too near our new home. We both have new patient appointments, when the little dude is here!!!! It was so strange as we were talking about baby sitting duties on the day, because you know, WE WILL ACTUALLY HAVE A BABY!!!!!
Im already a little anxious about leaving him but im putting it to the back of my mind and reminding myself it will be good for both Mr Me and I to get out and about following his birth on our own, i have a PM appointment and Mr Me has an AM appointment so childcare wont be an issue…unless i crack and take him with me!!
Ive arranged for family and friends to help with the move and im even hopeful i can get the decorating done in time! My white goods are ordered and arriving the day after the move, my bed and nursery furniture arrive the following week. I know what colour themes im having in the rooms that need decorating, ive got Feliway to keep the cats calm once they get there as well as new catnip toys so they dont hate me too much.
Wardrobe boxes arrived last night and watching Mr Me assemble one was hysterical 😂 DIY isnt his thing bless him. Splash enjoyed the finished product though…
We finally exchanged contracts this afternoon…for a while it didnt look like it would happen due to issues with my buyer, and the people we are buying from, but with minutes left on the clock, it all came good.
I love a project but the downside is my overactive brain at night. Between little dude partying til 3am and the cogs turning about what else needs doing, ive not slept well all week. In fact at 1am this morning i was online shopping for blankets and nappies (all of which is getting delivered to the new house, eeeep!). Im luckily OK on minimal sleep and its all good practice but being able to lie in is great!!!
The baby partying til all hours is also very welcome as he had a couple of quiet-ish days which is always a worry, but hes back at full speed now.
Im so big i now have to eat at a table, i used to eat off my knee, then a lap table, but this is no longer do-able due to the massive bump!!! Instead, I sit in the corner of the lounge feeling sorry for myself!
I got measured and bought my 1st nursing bras today. The lady who measured me said she thought the bump had dropped a bit, i think she was being kind really. He still feels high, im starting to get very occassional pressure down low, but as im not a first time mum its likely he wont engage until im in labour probably!!
Im still feeling good about the induction, no worries really other than being bored, i think ill buy monopoly just to be safe. Having said that, i cannot imagine that in just over 2 weeks there will be an actual human that we have created, who is utterly dependent on us to survive. Bump definitely doesnt equal baby yet!!!
Last weekend i had my 1st major melt down of the pregnancy. I was 34 weeks so think i did pretty well.
We had been to see the new, now vacant house, and my urge to nest kicked in. Sadly we still dont have a firm date although it could now be as early as Friday.
I got very anxious and Mr Me tried to reason with me. Reasoning with anxiety is like catching water in your hand, you cant really do it.
Instead of seeing his logic, i felt attacked and as though i was being unreasonable. Which i was. I wanted a date to work towards, which i cant have as nothing is certain yet. Anyway, it resulted in an argument between Mr Me and I. We rarely argue so its always weird when we properly fall out.
I felt so unorganised and had no idea what we had for baby etc. Being a control freak this didnt work well for me, so i demanded Mr Me get all the baby stuff out of storage so i could see what we had.
I instantly felt better, despite the fact i cannot build a nursery. I just needed to know we are prepared. Over the course of 3 pregnancies it turns out we are pretty damned prepared. Our current box room is now a mass of boxes and bags of baby things. There is a suitcase full of clothes and apart from a changing station we have everything we need…i think.
Since seeing everything and ordering the last few things (crib and mattress) i have felt a lot calmer and more zen about the whole moving process. Mr Me however has been getting increasingly frustrated at the lack of communication. Seems ive rubbed off on him. He’s been amazing though and called estate agents and solicitors almost daily and finally got told yesterday that our buyers solicitor is just waiting on the hard copy of the mortgage offer and then we are good to go.
We hope to complete and exchange next friday but until i get firm dates im not booking anything or putting things in boxes!!
We also had another growth scan this week. Baby is estimated to be 6lbs now!!! Thats a gain of nearly 2lbs in 3 weeks, little chubster!! Everything is measuring as it should, and finally saw evidence that he is indeed a boy!! We were told that after 35 weeks (today) if i were to go into labour they wouldnt stop it. This prompted a slight panic buying pj session and all 3 hospital bags being packed
Since starting our TTC journey 8 years ago, my Mum has always wanted to go and see The Jeremy Kyle Show whilst i was on maternity leave. Yesterday that finally became a reality….
We are massive fans of the show and are not afraid to say it. We had a wonderful time there despite a few hiccups (i forgot the tickets only remembering when we had parked up, so we had to go home again, it was a close call)
It was amazing to finally tick off something on the pregnancy bucket list, something i wasnt sure we would ever get to do.
Over the course of the week, my maternity photographs have been appearing online on the photographers facebook page. So here they are….
I think the photographer has done an amazing job and i cant wait to get the prints back!!!
Yesterday i finished work. It feels like ill be back in 2 weeks. It definitely does not feel like ill be off for up to a year and will soon have a tiny human to care for.
Even with the amazing gifts, for which im truly grateful, it still hasnt sunk in that in 29 days ill be going into hospital and the bump will become a baby, possibly within hours.
I wonder when itll actually sink in that i really am having a baby?
We went away for the evening last night to celebrate my last day and our last getaway, just the 2 of us.
We had a delightful meal and good rest for the first time this week. Between NCT classes and viewing the maternity shoot pictures we havent had an evening to ourselves all week.
Im really pretty tired when i allow myself to actually stop so today will be spent in front of the TV, occassionally on my ball, but mostly on the sofa.
Im still not completely prepared for baby, i still need a crib and mattress and as it looks like the house move has slowed down again (after picking up last week) i think ill just take the plunge and purchase them ASAP, just in case.
The house move….ugh. New house is vacant and all minor issues resolved. We are ready to move BUT my buyer is having issues with what sounds like a fairly incompetent mortgage provider! (They have sent all his details to a solicitor hes not using!) Until he gets these issues resolved, we are at a standstill, again!
My nesting instinct doesnt like this. It wants to be moved, setttled and decorated before baby’s arrival. We may get to move before he comes but settled and decorated are looking doubtful at this point.
We are going to the newly vacated house tomorrow to get a real idea of what needs doing, what we need to buy and how much decorating there is to do. Ive had to cancel the booking with the decorater as we wont be in when i thought and finding a decorator short notice is going to be tough. Thankfully our bedroom, the dining room and conservatory SHOULD be fine, its just the other 3 bedrooms, lounge and kitchen that need work doing to them. The lounge and nursery will be my main focus when we eventually get in.
The house is still a key distraction for the upcoming birth. Labour/induction isnt worrying me too much. Caring for a newborn? Whole other kettle of fish!
Before the losses i was pretty confident about my parenting skills, i liked babies, they liked me and caring for them came naturally.
Since the losses, my confidence has dwindled and i find myself wondering if ill manage to keep my tiny human alive.
Im assured instinct will kick in very quickly and within hours/days ill know what im doing but i hate, that even now, baby loss is still impacting my life.
Its not something you expect, grief yes, fear of pregnancy, yes, but fear of caring for a baby? Nope, didnt see that one coming.
Every task from winding to bathing to feeding seems so daunting at the moment. Im scared to confront it, in the form of parenting books, for example, in case im overwhelmed and feel worse not better.
Im hoping that being on leave will give me time to brave the books, especially as the antenatal classes finish next week too!!!
Im also planning on swimming a fair bit in the next few weeks, im sick of feeling so heavy and it has the added benefit of being healthy and helping baby engage, which he doesnt seem to have done as yet! Lazy boy!