Full Circle

Little T and I have been living in North Cyprus, alone, since early July. I cannot believe how lucky I am to be here, and generally how well behaved he is.

I did have a crisis moment at the beginning of August, the money was running out and I honestly thought we would have to return to the UK. I was absolutely heartbroken at the very thought, I was so desperate to make the Cyprus dream come true!

I attended 6 interviews and had no prospects left, it’s not easy getting work here.

In the final hour, I was offered a job. Not any job, my DREAM JOB!!!!!

I’m very proud to say I’m now an International Patient Coordinator for an IVF clinic, and not just any clinic, I work for the Doctor who gave me Little T!!!

Life really has come full circle, I’m giving back to other IVFers with the most amazing Doctor, Dr F.

I’m on my 3rd week and I absolutely love it. As Little T doesn’t start school until 9th September, (yep, I’ve secured schooling for him!) my manager has been so flexible about him coming to the clinic and has agreed I can work from home most days to make life a little easier. I’m so so grateful to be working with such a great team.

My colleagues are massively supportive, I’m the only one to go through IVF so whilst they help me with the technical side of things, I can help them understand what it is like from a patient point of view!

I spent my first week updating our website and I’m really proud of it, so please take a peek and let me know what you think!

I’m throughly enjoying communicating with patients and cannot wait to meet them when they visit!

Working from home means that this is often my office…

I mean really, how lucky am I!

I also love the brand new hospital, it’s more like a hotel, super modern, bright and airy!

Quite an ominous sky in that one, it did actually rain that day, but that’s the only time since I’ve been back here!

I think the best part of my job though is that the fact that i can wholeheartedly recommend Dr. F and the team, and the fact that I can share my real life experiences with my patients!

I’ve somehow managed to land the job of my dreams in my favourite place in the world!!!

Don’t get me wrong, being here alone is hard, I miss Mr. Me and the rest of my family. I don’t get a break or a lie in, ever, and Little T and I haven’t spent a moment apart since we arrived, he even watches me shower!!!! Hats off to all the single parents out there!

The fam are coming to visit in September though and Mr. Me should be here permanently no later than Christmas but hopefully it’ll be November time.

He is currently busy sorting the UK house out ready to rent it. We are renting a storage unit and selling off as much as we can. He will move in with his Mum in the meantime so we can save save save ready for his move!

The timescales have all been pushed back from the original plan but it is slowly coming together. To be honest, getting the cats passports sorted is taking WAY longer than expected 🙄 but when everyone comes over in September I’ll be gaining 3 cats in addition to my Cyprus kitten, Bellatrix, so they’ll keep me busy!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Pioneers?

Little T and I returned to North Cyprus this week, just the 2 of us. We are the first wave, getting the lay of the land, feeling everything out! Pioneers, you might say!

So far things are going great, we arrived fine, i did struggle to open the door but that’s only because my Mum had double locked it in June, haha!

My car was here too, but no baby seat so we were stuck in most of day 1, which worked out ok as i wasn’t too well. Nothing serious, just lack of sleep and the heat knocked me a bit, a 2 hour nap sorted me right out!

Since last we were here the temperature has climbed somewhat (currently 35°C) and its taking me a while to acclimatise, all will be fine within a week though!

Little T is a trooper though, the heat hasn’t phased him at all, he’s still running around like its nothing!

He has taken a bit of a tumble on the stone floor and earned himself his 1st black eye, felt like the worst Mum ever, but he soon rallied and went back to watching PJ Masks!

I’m trying to make the house as homely as i can, Mum sent me over with throws for the couches as we aren’t fans of leather and it feels like my house anyway because there are toys EVERYWHERE already 🙈

I’ve got an interview on Monday which I’m really excited about, I’ve been researching and the science going on at this particular clinic is, wowsers, I’m such a geek!

Next week i need to look into bank accounts and the such!

Ill never tire of this view though

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Holidays and Hospital Stays

Last week we got back from 10 days in Northern Cyprus. We had a lovely time, Little T, particularly so!

The flights over were fine, but the layover in Istanbul was beyond stressful. Mum and my Bro went missing as we were separated getting off the plane, i had their passports and boarding cards, so they were stranded, and it took well over an hour for someone to take me seriously. This all because my Mum uses a wheelchair when travelling.

Anyway, we got to the hotel in 1 piece. Mums wheelchair spent the night at a different hotel mind you as it was unloaded incorrectly from the transfer!

My Grandad then passed away whilst we were there, but we tried to make the most of it. I think that’s what he would have wanted.

Little T was known throughout the hotel and down in the harbour. He managed with the heat incredibly well but isn’t a fan of a shower. He discovered chips and ate them everyday, along with Cyprus sausage, he learnt lots of new words and took lots of walks (not independently yet).

Since being back, I’ve booked Christmas dinner in Leeds, only to be told 20 minutes later, I’m having my MS treatment the week before Christmas and that kinda is the worst timing ever.

Ill be in hospital for 5 days from 17th Dec. Ill be given Lemtrada via infusion over those 5 days. The medication will bind to and destroy my white blood cells so ill be immunocompromised following the treatment. So being in a pub full of people 4 days later isn’t ideal!!!

Mind you, nor is handling strawberries due to the Listeria risk, but you gotta live, so ill be sat in the corner come Christmas day, keeping away from people!!!

I honestly thought after losing 2 babies and doing 9 rounds of IVF, I’d paid my dues, seems that’s not the case!

No rest for the wicked

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

A date with L

My appointment with the MS consultant was actually today, not tomorrow, thank god i checked my diary…

I’m going to be treated with the Lemtrada, the drug that sounds horrific.

It could stabilise me for up to 12 years though.

I will be able to try getting pregnant again in a couple of years.

I’ll likely start treatment in November/December as i have a trip to Seville booked early November.

The drug will essentially wipe out my immune system, ill need lots of post treatment meds, antibiotics and anti virals for example, for a fair while after the 5 day stint in hospital.

Ill be very fatigued during and for a few weeks after the treatment as it’ll break down my T and B cells, and all the chemicals from inside the cells will enter my blood stream

I will be able to have my 4 weekly blood tests locally which is a small bonus.

I can still have an alcoholic drink, but not too much before blood tests as it’ll mess with my enzyme levels.

Ill probably need another MRI before commencing treatment and have to keep my Dr up to date with any relapses.

So, there it is. Next 4 years of my life planned out, probably a rubbish Christmas, at risk of picking up everything due to a suppressed immune system. Excellent.

Been advised to avoid forums, won’t be an issue as i just want to deal with what comes, as it comes.

Going to be difficult, but when is life easy?

At least i can enjoy Cyprus and Seville and theres a plan in place, and i do like a plan!!!

Oh, and i need to stop vaping before the treatment!! #myonlyvice

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Hand forced?

So i had a call on Thursday from my GP, he told me he had had a letter from my MS doctor and i wasn’t to have steroids during an MS flare up.

Fair enough.

Today i got a copy of that letter and its terrified me.

I’d contacted the secretary of the MS doctor to advise we would like another baby so he asked me to come in this week (Thursday). In the mean time he wrote to my GP to say

• I have relapsing remitting MS
• Its rapidly evolving severe
• My MRI’s showed that between 2015 and April 2018 there was a significant increase in lesions
• Between April 2018 and June 2018 there were THREE MORE lesions (explains all the symptoms i was having)
• As i was considering another baby, he wants to try a different medication, Lemtrada, as it provides a long lasting effect and will hopefully prevent relapses during pregnancy

Lemtrada does not sound pleasant, at all

The long term effect on disability is uncertain

Its given by drip over 5 consecutive days and i HAVE to be admitted to hospital as nearly everyone has an allergic reaction, treated by antihistamines and IV steroids

I’d need a second 3 day course in a year.

1 in 3 people develop under or over active thyroid requiring lifelong treatment

1 in 100 develop a blood condition

There have been a few cases of people developing a kidney disorder too

These conditions can be life threatening so I’d need blood tests every 4 weeks for FOUR YEARS after completion of the infusion

But, its PROBABLY safe to get pregnant 4 months after the last infusion. Probably.

What the fuck am i meant to do with that??

Head is up my arse.

I refuse to Google.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Reconciliation

How do you reconcile being broody versus having MS?

How do you know its not just jealousy? There have been a fair few pregnancy announcements of late.

How do you know when the time is right to try again?

My head’s a mess. I really do want another baby. Sensible me thinks i should wait, my heart doesn’t think it can take it.

If i start MS meds, i have to be med free for a year before doing IVF again.

The longing for another pregnancy and baby is overwhelming at the moment. The idea of waiting another 18 months at least, scares me, the thought of feeling like this for that time is miserable.

I worry i won’t manage with 2, practical stuff i can sort, but the idea of Little T fighting with his sibling scares me.

I worry Little T will be jealous, but i worry he will be lonely.

Its a complete head fcuk.

My main problem is lack of information. I don’t know if i should start meds and then have a break and then IVF, or whether its easier to try again sooner rather than later, then start meds after a potential pregnancy.

I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, the NHS or my consultant (who is sourcing my medication). The problem is, I’m not seeing my consultant again until after we have been to Cyprus, which would be a prime opportunity to do FET (frozen embryo transfer)

Doesn’t help that my body is being weird, namely longer periods and random aches in the uterus area. I think its all in my head to be honest but its just messing with me.

Why does this have to be so hard?!!!!

I’m so back and forth

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Cruising

Little T is developing so quickly at the moment. He’s now starting to hold the furniture and cruise about. He doesnt stand independently yet but we are not far off.

He also said his first word ‘Cat’. Every time he sees one, regardless of whether its ours, someone else’s or a picture, he says it.

He can also say ‘Daddy’ now too, although he says ‘Cat’ more. He says it all dam day to be honest. He shouted it so much at lunch time the other day, the cat actually came downstairs!!!

He is teething too, molars apparently, and its hard work. He isn’t sleeping before 10pm, and for 2 nights we’ve had to drive to get him down. I was out til 1.30am one night.

That has coincided with me suffering major fatigue. I wake up exhausted and am exhausted all day. Its an MS symptom so hopefully it won’t last, in fact i have felt better today, but during the spell, my patience wore thin and i found Little T’s whining very hard to cope with. Pretty sure i said ‘f**k me, what now’ under my breath about a hundred times over the last few days!

I felt like a terrible parent, ill be honest. I usually find him so easy to cope with, but i wasnt managing. The late nights and early starts and the fatigue, were just too much.

Im glad to say today was easier though.

Little T looking very tired!!!

Having said all that, I’m almost 100% certain i want another baby. Not now, but in a couple of years, I’m not sure its doable as I’ve no idea what the side effects of the MS drugs will be. I’m loathe to read up on it as, to be honest, i don’t wanna know. I’ll deal with it when it happens. At least i can tell my MS doctor in September that another baby is on the cards, unless the side effects make that impossible/unfair to another baby and Little T.

I had my repeat MRI, this time with dye, not so long ago. I had a strange experience during it. It felt like i was rocking back and forth, so much so, i had to check with the technician that i wasn’t, after the scan. My fingers also went numb/tingly, but that happens quite a lot at the moment, so I’m probably experiencing an episode. Pins and needles i can deal with, so long as i don’t start slurring again!

Ive a GP appointment next week as i need to take vitamin D to up my levels, so that’ll be 4 medications a month im taking. Thank you NHS for doing pre paid prescription certificates, they will save me a fortune!!

Im counting the weeks to our Cyprus holiday (8.5 weeks). Im so excited to show off Little T, I’ve had a romper made especially for the visit to our clinic…

Made by https://www.facebook.com/babsandmoo/

I’m looking forward to sun, relaxation (thanks to my Mum and brother coming) and walking around Kyrenia again. I love the place, and it’ll be nice to be able to enjoy the pool, and alcohol, for the entire holiday, as no IVF will be taking place!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

And now we know…

Today i had my appointment with the specialist MS doctor.

After much discussion of symptoms, and a few physical tests, it was decided i do have MS but dont present in a traditional way. Most people get worse through pregnancy as the immune system is lowered, whereas i am symptomless in pregnancy. My symptoms very much come and go, which the Dr thinks seems to indicaye my issues seem to resolve themselves after a period of time.

Im to go back in 3 months, i had blood tests today to check im compatible with one of the four drugs suggested for future treatment, and ill have another MRI before seeing the doctor again. He also wants me to have high dose steroids to tide me over whilst an MDT (multidisciplinary team meeting) is carried out to decide the best course of treatment.

Im happy its MS. I was dreading them saying they didnt know what it is, and having to start again.

Its obvious there are more inflammation spots on my brain since the MRI 5 years ago.

That i can manage.

But! The drugs arent ideal if i want to get pregnant again. I’d need to stop treatment for 12m before trying again. Plus, is it even fair? Do i put all my energy into being healthy for the one i have, or risk my health for a possible sibling?

My head says, stick with one and be the best you can be, but my heart is gutted. I’d like a sibling in time, but can i justify it? Will i be well enough to have 2? Will the break from meds make me experience more and more extensive symptoms

Its hit me harder than i thought tbh, i don’t know what to do with myself. I wanna run away but also know I’m so lucky to have my friends/family and son.

I just feel a bit meh.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Nearly there

Since January, I’ve been on a mission to lose weight. The BMI calculator told me i was obese so it had to be done. I set my target as the top end of healthy and I’m pleased to say I’ve reached it. And a bit more!!!

Just 12lbs to lose to my ideal weight, which is 1.5st heavier than i was when i got pregnant with Little T.

I’ve not been following a diet as such, just sticking to around 1200 calories a day and as we’ve had such good weather, I’ve been pushing the pram a lot!!! I’d like to hit my target by September, so I’m not rushing the loss or at risk of putting it back on.

We are still a no on doing IVF in September, i really am enjoying Little T too much, but I’m pretty certain i want another in a couple of years so will renew the embryo freezing.

I started smoking again. Ugh. It started with one or two a week when the idea i may have MS came up, but quickly progressed to 20+ a day again. On Tuesday i bought a vape, something i never thought I’d do, and it seems to be helping, i am on the highest nicotine dose, but plan to reduce each time i buy more liquid. Fingers crossed!

My MS appointment is tomorrow. I’m anxious the Dr will say its not MS and ill be back to square one, I’m also anxious about how any medication will interfere with any potential future pregnancies. Lots of worries and questions to ask.

Today was Fathers Day, we took Mr Me for an amazing steak lunch and Little T got him a T-shirt and card.

Little T continues to delight us. He crawls as fast as a bullet out of a gun, is extremely well behaved, has mastered the ‘downward dog’ pose and his laugh is infectious. He loves chasing the cat, and loves us chasing him.

I love watching him, i just sit with a grin on my face, watching him eat, play with his toys, play with others. I absolutely adore him. Plus, he’s gorgeous. I just can’t believe how lucky i am to be his Mummy.

He is super close to talking too. He can say ‘uh-oh’ and ‘daddy’ with prompts. He understands SO much. His sleeping pattern is erratic at the moment, which usually coincides with a new skill so I’m thinking more words are coming, as he doesn’t seem overly keen on standing/walking!!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

A perfect party

We threw Little T a first birthday party on Sunday. We had a day to prepare, having only landed from Majorca the early hours of Saturday morning, but it was lovely.

We got him a little trike, which he loves

Look at that smile 😍

Lots of his little friends came, and the weather was beautiful so we took to the garden where they played in the ball pool, watched bubbles, and ate yummy food (most of which i made!)

The cake was amazing, thanks again to The Purple Apron

Gorgeous and yummy too.

It was a perfect day. Exactly how i hoped it’d be. Although, I’m still in disbelief i have a one year old!!!

The holiday and the weekend did throw up some questions though

Do i really want another baby? Am i ready to IVF in September?

A friend brought me some of the meds ill need to IVF and it made me think. Do i really want to go through the emotional roller coaster that is IVF so soon?

I was talking to a friend on Monday, who has a friend who went through IVF and NEEDED a sibling. She felt she now knew, having had one, what she was missing out on and needed to do it again.

I don’t NEED a sibling. I love that i can focus all my energy on Little T. We have such fun together, bringing another baby into the situation would most definitely change the dynamic. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I’m not sure Little T is.

I feel as though, because we will be in Cyprus anyway, its the easy option to cycle again, but i don’t want it enough. I know we would MANAGE, people do, but I’m not sure i want to manage, i just want to enjoy my family as it is. The logistics scare me, shopping with a new born and a toddler, attending Little T’s groups, splitting my focus, the list goes on

Another friend said ”you’ve hit the jackpot, do you really want to gamble again”

Little T is so healthy, he didn’t get my asthma, or Mr Me’s blood condition. He’s a lovely baby, so social, so happy, so relaxed.

Right now, I’m thinking we won’t cycle, but, that means no closure. Whilst those frosties are over there, the journey isn’t over. There’s always the possibility of doing more cycles…i kinda want it over now. My life for the last however many years has been IVF-centric, and I’d like to end the chapter but the thought of destroying the embryos worries me, i may want a sibling in the future and i know i CANNOT do another fresh cycle.

Its a bloody dilemma. I think about this everyday, I’m anxious about making the right decision, worried Little T will be lonely if i don’t give him a sibling. I worry if i wait another couple of years, my health will fail, that ill be too tired to be pregnant again, too tired to go through sleepless nights, whilst also managing a toddler, it just goes round and round my head.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to leave it up to nature?!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx