Tag: new baby

He’s still here!

He’s still here!

He hasnt been taken off us, nothing bad has happened. Little T is still here. And it still hasnt sunk in!!

My breastfeeding guilt is fading fast now as my supply has gone. Its reassuring to know that when im in my lavender bath soothing my sore bits, and he stirs, Mr Me can take over.

There is more control with a bottle too, i know exactly how much he is taking which plays into my control freak personality perfectly.

Apparantly he is still a bit Jaundice meaning he has been referred to the prolonged jaundice clinic tomorrow. Mr Me and I then had a #badparentmoment where we questioned what we did wrong. 2 hours later the midwife came round and said the health visotor who referred him was being overly cautious. To me he looks whiter than ever and his eyes are less yellow today than yesterday too. Ill keep him in daylight as much as possible today but with plenty of wet and dirty nappies going on im really hoping we get discharged at his appointment tomorrow.

Im not the parent i thought id be. I thought id freak out the minute he squeaked but i dont, im calm even when hes really shouting and ive impressed myself. 

My fear of SIDS is lessening. It never actually crippled me as much as i thought it would. The sensor pad is a massive reassurance and as im awake 22 hours of the day anyway….

I jest, im getting better with sleeping. I can crash in the afternoon when hes asleep in his moses basket sometimes and Mr Me and I are taking the nights in shifts so we both get a few hours of good sleep each.

The sleep deprivation is getting easier to manage now too. My pain is subsiding which is allowing me to relax more, and i can drive again!!!!! This really helps with my anxiety as i love to drive and it gives me a huge sense of control. Im a terrible passenger and i think Mr Me is secretly glad i can drive myself about again too.

We, as a 3, have been fairly busy. Little T had 3 photoshoots last week (meant to be 2 but was wide awake for one of them so had to go back) and weve also been out to the pub twice and to the Trafford Centre. Going to the TC was a massive thing for me. For years ive watched new Mums push their babies around in gleaming prams and wondered if itd ever be me. And then it was and it made me so proud.

I am very proud and very protective of Little T. I think hes amazing and i stare at him for hours without realising. When he fixes on me with his big eyes and i talk to him, its wonderful. But still no rush of love so to speak. Ive no doubt itll come though, the instincts are there, i just need to get over my fear that something will take him away from us. It is lessening day by day i think but after 8 years there is a lot to wade through before reaching the other side.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Motherhood

Motherhood

Its HARD. No other way of putting it. And its a rollercoaster. 

The Bond….everyone talks about the overwhelming feeling of love you feel when you meet your baby. When i met my baby it was a blur. We’d been through a traumatic birth. I didnt get skin to skin as he didnt cry. I thought he would die. I was convinced. Then they handed him to me and took me to the ward. And left me with him. My job to take care of this tiny new human. So i did. But for someone else. He wasnt mine. 

Baby T is spectacular. I know this because everyone tells me so. For the first few days i only held him to feed. I didnt just cuddle him. I put him down and looked at him. I wondered when he would be taken away. Now i hold him more. Just because. But im still not in love. When he looks at me i realise what a beautiful baby he is. Id do anything to protect him, to care for him, but am i in love? No. Im scared to let go. What if he leaves me? I worry the midwives will take him away or that he will stop breathing. I cant deal with the pain. So i protect myself and in doing so, deny myself. I force myself to hold him now, to kiss him (took me 4 days) and when he looks at me, its getting more ‘Wow’ but its slow going.

Breastfeeding….i SO wanted to do it. I did it in hospital. It was agony. I thought it was normal. On Wednesday the midwife mentioned blood blisters from a bad latch. I checked. Over 20 blood blisters. I had never ever heard of this until then. Honestly every suck made my toes curl. On Wednesday afternoon, I sent Mr Me for formula and i hated myself. On Thursday i felt OK about formula feeding (ff). I wasnt as anxious. Baby T was happy on the bottle. Content. On Thursday night i hated myself. I didnt give it a chance, id failed my child, i was missing out and so was he. He wasnt going to need me because anyone could feed him. On Friday i got the blisters off in the bath and hand expressed. My milk was in. On Friday night we tried breastfeeding again. It hurt. He screamed. My anxiety was through the roof. I ordered the Perfect Prep machine (makes up bottles in 2 minutes at right temperature) for next day delivery. Ive tried not to look back. Its hard. I feel guilty. I feel i have to explain. FF is working for us. Hes happy. My boobs dont hurt. I still feel like a bad mum.

The trauma continues….New Mums are never told about the feeling of their asses being blown out after birth. Its like a secret you cant know until you are part of the club. And you can see the other mums laughing as the new mums waddle about holding onto their asses.  You always hear about how you forget about the pain of childbirth. But a week later when your stitches make you cry out in agony when peeing, you are still in that delivery room, still being cut, still experiencing every ounce of pain.

How can you bond with the person who did that to you? 

You question everything. Every decision. You worry you are not worried enough. You worry you worry too much. You wonder if everyone feels so overwhelmed at the beginning? You wonder if having some sleep means you dont care enough about whether baby is breathing or not. Despite having less than 20 hours of sleep in a week.

You hope the love will come. That the past wont ruin the future and you wonder if youll ever be good enough.

Thats early motherhood.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

You’re Welcome, Anytime

You’re Welcome, Anytime

We moved house!!!! It wasnt plain sailing, we completed late in the day due to my buyers money going missing when it was transferred to us. This caused a few hours delay which then upset the removal people and stressed out Mr Me. 

I on the otherhand, had a lovely time at my pedicure, buying paint and having lunch with my Mum.

Around 3.30pm we got the call to say all monies had transferred and we were able to collect keys. Cats were bundled into boxes and i took them, with Mum to get the keys then on to the new house. From then on it was plainer sailing thankfully.

Despite doing as little as possible, i was flat out exhausted for 2 days following the move. I ached all over, was exhausted but struggled to sleep. We missed dinner with our NCT friends as i just didnt have the energy.

Having said all that, it was TOTALLY worth it. I LOVE my new house, the area, everything. Im so so pleased we moved before baby arrived as despite only being here 5 days, 3 of the 4 rooms that need decorating are done and everything should be in place by next weekend before my induction.

This is largely thanks to M the decorator, J, my Mum and Bro and L, Mr Me’s Mum. Everyone has really pulled together to get things unpacked, boxes taken away to the tip and to make the house liveable. I couldnt be more grateful. I have found it quite frustrating that i cant help as much as id like to, but at 8 months gone, its difficult to sit up on my own, never mind unpack a box!!

I MADE IT TO FULL TERM!!!!!!!! 

Yesterday marked 37 weeks of pregnancy. I dont think i ever thought we would get to this point, but here i am sporting a rather large bump with a fully cooked baby inside. OMG

 As thrilled as i am, im also so done with being pregnant now. Hats off to ladies who make it to 40 weeks and beyond, i dont know how they do it. Im tired of needing help to sit up, to stand, of my feet being so swollen they dont in fit any shoes. Im tired of waddling, of peeing all the time, of aching after 5 minutes of activity. Im sick of worrying about whether he is moving enough, of not being able to bend my fingers without being in pain, of my clothes not fitting.

Im ready to meet him, to know hes safe, to be a Mummy. Ive 6 days to go until we start induction but i know those 6 days are going to be a lifetime. Dont get me wrong, im hugely grateful to have reached this point, i just want him here in my arms and my body back.

I felt the need to get organised yesterday as a distraction, so a few baby things were built

His Moses Basket and Stand. Coverlet for decoration only!!
His Swing Chair. Ive no idea how to put him in, thank god for instruction booklets!!
His Pram 😍 Please ignore the boxes, we need a bookcase!!

I do feel better having a few items assesmbled but conversely, worry im tempting fate. Even at this late stage i do see it as 6 days in which things can go wrong. Which is sad and another reason i want him here, in the world, where i can keep an eye on him

After a little practice with the pram, ive collapsed it and stored it, just in case, old wives tale, but its bad luck to have wheels in the house before baby arrives. 

The lounge however is looking very family like with moses basket and swing in situ. Mr Me and I were marvelling at how far we have come last night. Its been a LONG 8 years, but we’ve nearly made it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx