Tag: bereavement

When you realise what you’re missing

When you realise what you’re missing

Its my birthday on Saturday, which means today is the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week. Itll forever more be a bittersweet week for me.

Theres a saying ‘you dont know what youve got til its gone’ which is a great saying that applies to most situations.

Except when you lose babies before having a live one to take home.

The grief is devastating, but you dont really know what you missed out on, until you take home a baby.

I love little T so so much, and to watch him learn and grow gives me so much pleasure. More and more i think about Milo and Millie and how they wouldve developed.

Would their eyes have started blue and changed to a rich brown? 

Would they be dying to sit up? 

What wouldve made them laugh? Or cry? 

Would they have slept through by now? 

I now understand what i lost, what couldve been. Its pretty painful all over again when i think of all the cuddles i missed out on, l the smiles i didnt see. It never goes away, the pain just lessens in severity. 

Loss, at any stage, is just horrific. No parent should ever have to lose a child. More so though, no parent should feel they cant talk about their loss.

In todays society, its still a taboo to mention miscarriage, early or late. Talking about stillborn babies makes people uncomfortable. As such, bereaved parents are made to feel they must just get over it or forget it.

How do you just forget a person? Regardless of gestation, that baby was a person to his/her parents! Should we just forget when a grandparent/parent/aunt/uncle/brother or sister die? No! 

So why is it different when the child is in utero? Put simply, it isnt.

So if you or someone you know loses a baby, talk to them about the loss. Dont worry about upsetting them, they are already heartbroken. 

You are already likely to know someone who has suffered a loss as it happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies. 

All life is precious no matter how fleeting.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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9-8, 5-8 (not a math problem)

9-8, 5-8 (not a math problem)

14 weeks! 

Little T burst his way into the world 14 weeks ago and forever changed our lives for the better! 

I really struggled with being a Mummy in the beginning. I found it hard to accept my new role, to accept the change in relationship between Mr Me and I. I was warned id be tired, but i didnt understand, i was warned it was hard, but i didnt understand.

Now i do. Im permantly tired, thats the new normal, so i can cope with it. Sleep deprivation is a thing of the past, because we are used to it. For example, i got 3ish hours last night whereas Little T got 11. Go figure. Think i was waiting for him to wake for a feed all night, not daring to believe he’d sleep through.

One off or is this the start of 11 hour nights? The latter would be amazing but i wont count on it, yet.

Since allowing myself to love him, im finding my new role as Mummy, so rewarding. I love watching him learn and grow, although it seems to be going so so fast. Everyday, his smile melts me, i cannot believe we made something so so beautiful and clever.

The last few years seem like a bad dream. Ill never forget Milo and Millie, how could i? They helped shape who i am, but our rainbow, Little T, glows through those dark clouds, and makes those times seem so distant, that the grief is manageable, the pain dulled somewhat.

So at 14 weeks, my little man can smile and grab, hes so close to rolling over but hates tummy time. He loves music, and the car, he has a favourite toy, and being the centre of attention is his forte. He is the most amazing waste of time, i can spend hours just watching him. I cant believe how lucky i am.

Im so happy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Its all starting to make sense

Its all starting to make sense

I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.

Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.

I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.

Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.

Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux) 

Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine. 

Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.

I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy. 

Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.

Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.

My family is special. And i love being a mummy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Loving him is hard because….

Loving him is hard because….

I have the feels. All the feels. Im besotted, hes amazing, i cant remember life without him

But it took 8 weeks. 8 weeks to admit i loved him, 8 weeks to allow myself those feelings. To be honest im still cautious but my heart swells with his first smile of the day, regardless of my fear.

Infertility sucks on many levels. The months (years) of trying and failing. The agony of a period. The hoops to jump through en route to IVF, the hundreds of injections, watching all your friends have babies. People getting bored of your journey, the agony of IVF failures, of cancelled cycles, of feeling you are worth nothing as a woman. I could go on. 

Basically its shit. And you know what, it continues to be shit even though i now have my very own mini human. Why? Because it hindered the love…it took so long for Little T to feel like mine, rather than me looking after someone elses baby. I was waiting for the bubble to burst. A small part of me still is and always will be, i guess.

Im still jealous of the fertile people, they decide to get pregnant and within months, are. No military planning, no saving thousands of pounds. Just happens or a little cycle observation and bam, preggers.

I still envy a bump. Stare in awe. Wish i could do it without investing time and money. Its silly, but true.

Baby loss literally built a wall around my heart. A wall im still chipping away at. Losing 2 children, 2 (IVF) babies, is soul destroying. It messes you up in so many ways. Ways i thought id dealt with. Then Little T came along and i realised i was messed up in ways i didnt imagine. 

For weeks i thought i would lose him. That he would die. Thats what my babies did, they died. I was beyond terrified to love this tiny human in case he left me. I couldnt contemplate another loss. I just knew it would break me. So i kept Little T at arms length. Worried that loving him would mean losing him. 

That fear consumed me. For so many weeks. Until the fear of seeing my baby, my offspring, in pain. The 8 week immunisations. Thank god for them, not only for the protection they offer but for opening my heart.

Feeling guarded, not loving my child. Shameful? Not at all. Just the way things are after the hand id been dealt. I will always admit to these feelings, ill never regret what ive been through. I truly am a better person for it. Never did i think itd extend this far into my life though…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS heres a cute pic of Little T

When it happens…

When it happens…

This week has been a good one. I went to my 1st group (Hartbeeps, thanks for the recomendation). Little T was more interested in having a feed for most of it but i found it fun and interesting so will go back next week.

Little T had his 8 week jabs. And thats when it happened. I realised how much i love that little boy. Even before we got into the surgery i felt on the verge of tears, i was so upset that he was going to suffer. He on the other hand, was very brave. Im very proud but seeing the plasters on his chunky legs is heartbreaking

2 jabs in this leg
And 1 in this one

He does seem to enjoy the calpol afterwards though. And hes given me a fair few smiles since so i think im forgiven.

I told Mr Me that i realised i loved Little T and he laughed and told me he knew i did but also knew how scary that is. Its a sad affair when it takes your child being physically harmed for you to realise you love them but at least im there now and can start to enjoy being his Mum.

Also met up with the NCT ladies again this week. Such a lovely bunch with such lovely babies. So nice to get together to swap tips and war stories, have a natter with people that really get it. Im glad i have them in my life.

Ive also seen my work colleagues so ive been very social this week. Of course that means im fairly shattered now!!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

He’s still here!

He’s still here!

He hasnt been taken off us, nothing bad has happened. Little T is still here. And it still hasnt sunk in!!

My breastfeeding guilt is fading fast now as my supply has gone. Its reassuring to know that when im in my lavender bath soothing my sore bits, and he stirs, Mr Me can take over.

There is more control with a bottle too, i know exactly how much he is taking which plays into my control freak personality perfectly.

Apparantly he is still a bit Jaundice meaning he has been referred to the prolonged jaundice clinic tomorrow. Mr Me and I then had a #badparentmoment where we questioned what we did wrong. 2 hours later the midwife came round and said the health visotor who referred him was being overly cautious. To me he looks whiter than ever and his eyes are less yellow today than yesterday too. Ill keep him in daylight as much as possible today but with plenty of wet and dirty nappies going on im really hoping we get discharged at his appointment tomorrow.

Im not the parent i thought id be. I thought id freak out the minute he squeaked but i dont, im calm even when hes really shouting and ive impressed myself. 

My fear of SIDS is lessening. It never actually crippled me as much as i thought it would. The sensor pad is a massive reassurance and as im awake 22 hours of the day anyway….

I jest, im getting better with sleeping. I can crash in the afternoon when hes asleep in his moses basket sometimes and Mr Me and I are taking the nights in shifts so we both get a few hours of good sleep each.

The sleep deprivation is getting easier to manage now too. My pain is subsiding which is allowing me to relax more, and i can drive again!!!!! This really helps with my anxiety as i love to drive and it gives me a huge sense of control. Im a terrible passenger and i think Mr Me is secretly glad i can drive myself about again too.

We, as a 3, have been fairly busy. Little T had 3 photoshoots last week (meant to be 2 but was wide awake for one of them so had to go back) and weve also been out to the pub twice and to the Trafford Centre. Going to the TC was a massive thing for me. For years ive watched new Mums push their babies around in gleaming prams and wondered if itd ever be me. And then it was and it made me so proud.

I am very proud and very protective of Little T. I think hes amazing and i stare at him for hours without realising. When he fixes on me with his big eyes and i talk to him, its wonderful. But still no rush of love so to speak. Ive no doubt itll come though, the instincts are there, i just need to get over my fear that something will take him away from us. It is lessening day by day i think but after 8 years there is a lot to wade through before reaching the other side.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Final Scan!

Final Scan!

Today i had my 24th and final scan. The little man is happy and healthy and estimated at 7lb3oz. That sounds manageable.

I did say ‘shit’ when i saw the measurement across the top of his head…9.3cm. Its normal but bloody hell i have to push that out πŸ€”πŸ˜•πŸ€€

In less than 48 hours the induction process begins. It seems so close but so far away. It doesnt seem real still. Ive been getting the house sorted and setting up the nursery and it doesnt click that MY baby will be using it, that ill be bringing baby home this time.

Being honest, i havent enjoyed the washing of everything or the setting up of the nursery and stuff in our room. Ive found it tough, like im tempting fate or that itll amount to nothing. Even putting the car seat base in seems a step too far. Its overwhelming and makes me a bit uncomfortable.

Ive also realised that babies need A LOT of stuff, most of which involves a plug!!!
I just cant imagine having a real life baby but at the same time cant wait for him to be out so i can see, touch, smell and hold him.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

A subdued Mothers Day.

A subdued Mothers Day.

Happy Mothers Day to all the Mummies, Mummies to be and Angel Mummies out there πŸ’πŸŒΉπŸ₯€πŸŒΊπŸŒ»πŸŒΌ

Today also happens to be Millie’s 2nd anniversary which did put a dampner on the day.

Ill be honest. I dont see myself as a Mummy yet. Ive given birth but havent had anyone to Mother yet so i find today a bit weird. Mr Me let slip yesterday that he had bought me a gift from bump…

I explained that i wasnt comfortable with celebrating Mothers Day without a child to actually parent. Im also slightly worried about jinxing our current pregnancy. Which is silly i know, but im still waiting for things to go wrong. Even this close to the end.

I visited my Mum today though and we stayed at her house, chatting and looking at baby clothes online. I seem to freak out less looking online, not that i bought anything though. πŸ™ˆ

Ive finally resolved to start using my hospital due date which is a day ahead of my IVF due date. This means that today im 33weeks and 1day or 33+1. The little dude could be here in the next 7 weeks. OMG. 🀀😲

Excuse the roll of chub on my back…im 3lbs off a 4 stone weight gain now so definitley a chub chubster.

This week marks the start of a very busy period! I have my first NCT (antenatal) class on Wednesday, another growth scan on Thursday, im seeing Russell Howard on Friday and its my first Baby Shower on Saturday.

The house buying is coming along. The searches on the new house threw up a few queries so we are looking to get those answered. Our buyer has finally had his valuation done so should be able to progress with more speed. Hopefully, we are still on track to move mid-late April. I seriously hope its not pushed back as that would result in me being dangerously close to giving birth and not having everything i want in place!!!! 

Fingers crossed.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Going out of my mind

Firstly, some positives. This weekend Mr Me and I went away for our anniversary. We booked a really lovely hotel and had a great time just the 2 of us, chatting and eating lovely food and resting. The hotel was so nice that id like to go back when/if  im further along for a ‘babymoon’ and will remember to book the spa and afternoon tea in advance next time! 

Ok, the not so good. I woke up at 5am on Sunday morning pretty much paralysed with fear about the pregnancy. This is happening most mornings now but Sunday was by far the worst its been. Mr Me had to hold onto me as i was so upset. i did eventually fall back to sleep but then spent most of the day in bed as all this worrying is wearing me out.

On Saturday morning after worrying about my lack of appointments i emailed PALS (Patient Advice and Liasion Service). I went through my concerns but also praised my bereavement midwife (who is currently my midwife) and my counsellor for all their support.

I woke up to a voicemail from my midwife today in response to the email to PALS as i copied her in. She reassured me i hadnt been forgotten but went on to say the rainbow clinic wont see me until AFTER my anomaly scan. Ill be 20 weeks and 6 days when i have that, im 15+1 today. So another 6 weeks before my baby and placenta is checked. WTF?? She went on to say the pre term clinic are looking at my referral today, theyve had it 4 weeks, and ill hear later this afternoon when they want to see me.

This has sent me into a tailspin. Mr Me is coming home early to sit with me as im going out of my mind. Its like no one at these clinics gets how tough pregnancy aftet losses are!!!!! i just spend everyday worrying and thinking the worst and apparently thats ok and im not worth dealing with until after the big scan at almost 21 weeks. Baby isnt moving yet so no reasaurance there, EPU only do doppler scans after 13 weeks so no reassurance there. It appears I have no clinical need to be seen. I lost Millie with no warning and thought that would be need enough to be honest. We cant rule out that i dont still have the infection that killed Millie so surely i should be monitored? 

I also got a letter last Thursday to say i have another UTI, again no symptoms but showing up when cultured. Surely this is another reason i need to be monitored?? Im calling my gp in a bit to make sure my prescription is done.

My heads all over the place. Im not coping well.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Milestones, please!!

Milestones, please!!

Been quite a week. Anxiety is getting the better of me, big time.

So on Wednesday, i had a few cramps. Probably just stretching cramps but i FREAKED out. By early afternoon i couldnt take anymore and went to EPU. 

After triage, the gynae used the doppler to find baby, all fine. I had another internal, and 3 swabs. My cervix is so posterior (at the back), she couldnt see it so sent me for a cervical scan. 

Music to my ears as im so worried about my cervix giving out on me. She was ready to book me a stitch should i need it.

Scan revealed baby was fine, cervix was long and shut…all good news!! Also found out my placenta is posterior, again, at the back, so ill actually feel baby this time. It was at the front with Millie so i struggled to feel movement except by my cervix! 

The sonographer noted that my placenta may be bleeding slightly which could explain the 30+ day bleed. After the scan the gynae said everything looked good, that baby was perfectly happy despite the possible bleeding placenta and there was no need for a stitch. She did advise me to chase up the pre term clinic though.

Happy Days and touch wood, ive not bled since Saturday.

So that was all very reassuring, for about 24hrs.

Since then ive convinced myself i have an infection, and that will lead to the baby dying. Im waiting on the results of the triple swab to confirm or deny this but in the mean time my imagination is in overdrive.

My tummy is a bit senstive to the touch, so i worry that means something is wrong too, but i do poke my tummy so its possible ive caused that.

If i hold my pee, i worry thatll lead to infection so i do my upmost to pee ASAP.

When my bladder is full i feel a pressure pushing against my waistband. Its most likely the baby, but i panic to begin with.

When i lie flat, i dont see a bump/lump that could be baby, that worries me. The baby is probably at the back of my uterus however, but i worry.

People on the birth boards are saying they felt movement at my gestation. I havent, so i worry. Even though i KNOW that those other people are most likely feeling wind or their bowels, as baby is only the size of a lemon. I worry.

I need to buy an xmas jumper and ive seen one i like that mentions the baby. Im shit scared to buy it in case it jinxes things. Its my homework though so ill buy it on payday and just get it done. Im also buying an xmas dress, this does not fill me with fear though as there is no mention of bump, even though its a maternity dress. Weird. 

The bleeding stopping has made me worry that the placenta isnt working properly and/or baby has died. Its more likely that my placenta has moved away from my cervix.

Basically, the numb feeling has gone. Its been replaced by anxiety and worry. Its because as of 12 weeks, baby became a person. A person i want to meet very much. I just cant believe ill be lucky enough to get a take home baby. I really cant. Not yet anyway.

What i need is consistent reassurance. By that i mean regular appointments. As it stands i have my 16 week midwife appointment, 20 week anomaly and fetal heart scan appointment and a mental health appointment booked (which is after week 21 so i may not even be pregnant then). No appointment with pre term clinic or rainbow clinic, my midwife and counsellor are now both chasing them up as i hate to mither.

I was told id have an appointment with pre term at 15 weeks, which is NEXT week. Rainbow is meant to start at 17 weeks. Im hoping for bi weekly appointments after that as i dont think i can go longer than that without going out of my mind with negative spiralling, panic and worry.

Ill be increasing my counselling to weekly for a while after xmas too just to manage the fear of the impending 21st week. 

My other homework is to write down my anxities when they become too much, which does tend to help usually, so fingers crossed.

Im now in the 2nd trimester finally and as of this morning have gained over a stone and a half in weight. Im going to be very roly poly come xmas.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx