Tag: bereavement

He’s still here!

He’s still here!

He hasnt been taken off us, nothing bad has happened. Little T is still here. And it still hasnt sunk in!!

My breastfeeding guilt is fading fast now as my supply has gone. Its reassuring to know that when im in my lavender bath soothing my sore bits, and he stirs, Mr Me can take over.

There is more control with a bottle too, i know exactly how much he is taking which plays into my control freak personality perfectly.

Apparantly he is still a bit Jaundice meaning he has been referred to the prolonged jaundice clinic tomorrow. Mr Me and I then had a #badparentmoment where we questioned what we did wrong. 2 hours later the midwife came round and said the health visotor who referred him was being overly cautious. To me he looks whiter than ever and his eyes are less yellow today than yesterday too. Ill keep him in daylight as much as possible today but with plenty of wet and dirty nappies going on im really hoping we get discharged at his appointment tomorrow.

Im not the parent i thought id be. I thought id freak out the minute he squeaked but i dont, im calm even when hes really shouting and ive impressed myself. 

My fear of SIDS is lessening. It never actually crippled me as much as i thought it would. The sensor pad is a massive reassurance and as im awake 22 hours of the day anyway….

I jest, im getting better with sleeping. I can crash in the afternoon when hes asleep in his moses basket sometimes and Mr Me and I are taking the nights in shifts so we both get a few hours of good sleep each.

The sleep deprivation is getting easier to manage now too. My pain is subsiding which is allowing me to relax more, and i can drive again!!!!! This really helps with my anxiety as i love to drive and it gives me a huge sense of control. Im a terrible passenger and i think Mr Me is secretly glad i can drive myself about again too.

We, as a 3, have been fairly busy. Little T had 3 photoshoots last week (meant to be 2 but was wide awake for one of them so had to go back) and weve also been out to the pub twice and to the Trafford Centre. Going to the TC was a massive thing for me. For years ive watched new Mums push their babies around in gleaming prams and wondered if itd ever be me. And then it was and it made me so proud.

I am very proud and very protective of Little T. I think hes amazing and i stare at him for hours without realising. When he fixes on me with his big eyes and i talk to him, its wonderful. But still no rush of love so to speak. Ive no doubt itll come though, the instincts are there, i just need to get over my fear that something will take him away from us. It is lessening day by day i think but after 8 years there is a lot to wade through before reaching the other side.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Final Scan!

Final Scan!

Today i had my 24th and final scan. The little man is happy and healthy and estimated at 7lb3oz. That sounds manageable.

I did say ‘shit’ when i saw the measurement across the top of his head…9.3cm. Its normal but bloody hell i have to push that out πŸ€”πŸ˜•πŸ€€

In less than 48 hours the induction process begins. It seems so close but so far away. It doesnt seem real still. Ive been getting the house sorted and setting up the nursery and it doesnt click that MY baby will be using it, that ill be bringing baby home this time.

Being honest, i havent enjoyed the washing of everything or the setting up of the nursery and stuff in our room. Ive found it tough, like im tempting fate or that itll amount to nothing. Even putting the car seat base in seems a step too far. Its overwhelming and makes me a bit uncomfortable.

Ive also realised that babies need A LOT of stuff, most of which involves a plug!!!
I just cant imagine having a real life baby but at the same time cant wait for him to be out so i can see, touch, smell and hold him.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

A subdued Mothers Day.

A subdued Mothers Day.

Happy Mothers Day to all the Mummies, Mummies to be and Angel Mummies out there πŸ’πŸŒΉπŸ₯€πŸŒΊπŸŒ»πŸŒΌ

Today also happens to be Millie’s 2nd anniversary which did put a dampner on the day.

Ill be honest. I dont see myself as a Mummy yet. Ive given birth but havent had anyone to Mother yet so i find today a bit weird. Mr Me let slip yesterday that he had bought me a gift from bump…

I explained that i wasnt comfortable with celebrating Mothers Day without a child to actually parent. Im also slightly worried about jinxing our current pregnancy. Which is silly i know, but im still waiting for things to go wrong. Even this close to the end.

I visited my Mum today though and we stayed at her house, chatting and looking at baby clothes online. I seem to freak out less looking online, not that i bought anything though. πŸ™ˆ

Ive finally resolved to start using my hospital due date which is a day ahead of my IVF due date. This means that today im 33weeks and 1day or 33+1. The little dude could be here in the next 7 weeks. OMG. 🀀😲

Excuse the roll of chub on my back…im 3lbs off a 4 stone weight gain now so definitley a chub chubster.

This week marks the start of a very busy period! I have my first NCT (antenatal) class on Wednesday, another growth scan on Thursday, im seeing Russell Howard on Friday and its my first Baby Shower on Saturday.

The house buying is coming along. The searches on the new house threw up a few queries so we are looking to get those answered. Our buyer has finally had his valuation done so should be able to progress with more speed. Hopefully, we are still on track to move mid-late April. I seriously hope its not pushed back as that would result in me being dangerously close to giving birth and not having everything i want in place!!!! 

Fingers crossed.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Going out of my mind

Firstly, some positives. This weekend Mr Me and I went away for our anniversary. We booked a really lovely hotel and had a great time just the 2 of us, chatting and eating lovely food and resting. The hotel was so nice that id like to go back when/if  im further along for a ‘babymoon’ and will remember to book the spa and afternoon tea in advance next time! 

Ok, the not so good. I woke up at 5am on Sunday morning pretty much paralysed with fear about the pregnancy. This is happening most mornings now but Sunday was by far the worst its been. Mr Me had to hold onto me as i was so upset. i did eventually fall back to sleep but then spent most of the day in bed as all this worrying is wearing me out.

On Saturday morning after worrying about my lack of appointments i emailed PALS (Patient Advice and Liasion Service). I went through my concerns but also praised my bereavement midwife (who is currently my midwife) and my counsellor for all their support.

I woke up to a voicemail from my midwife today in response to the email to PALS as i copied her in. She reassured me i hadnt been forgotten but went on to say the rainbow clinic wont see me until AFTER my anomaly scan. Ill be 20 weeks and 6 days when i have that, im 15+1 today. So another 6 weeks before my baby and placenta is checked. WTF?? She went on to say the pre term clinic are looking at my referral today, theyve had it 4 weeks, and ill hear later this afternoon when they want to see me.

This has sent me into a tailspin. Mr Me is coming home early to sit with me as im going out of my mind. Its like no one at these clinics gets how tough pregnancy aftet losses are!!!!! i just spend everyday worrying and thinking the worst and apparently thats ok and im not worth dealing with until after the big scan at almost 21 weeks. Baby isnt moving yet so no reasaurance there, EPU only do doppler scans after 13 weeks so no reassurance there. It appears I have no clinical need to be seen. I lost Millie with no warning and thought that would be need enough to be honest. We cant rule out that i dont still have the infection that killed Millie so surely i should be monitored? 

I also got a letter last Thursday to say i have another UTI, again no symptoms but showing up when cultured. Surely this is another reason i need to be monitored?? Im calling my gp in a bit to make sure my prescription is done.

My heads all over the place. Im not coping well.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Milestones, please!!

Milestones, please!!

Been quite a week. Anxiety is getting the better of me, big time.

So on Wednesday, i had a few cramps. Probably just stretching cramps but i FREAKED out. By early afternoon i couldnt take anymore and went to EPU. 

After triage, the gynae used the doppler to find baby, all fine. I had another internal, and 3 swabs. My cervix is so posterior (at the back), she couldnt see it so sent me for a cervical scan. 

Music to my ears as im so worried about my cervix giving out on me. She was ready to book me a stitch should i need it.

Scan revealed baby was fine, cervix was long and shut…all good news!! Also found out my placenta is posterior, again, at the back, so ill actually feel baby this time. It was at the front with Millie so i struggled to feel movement except by my cervix! 

The sonographer noted that my placenta may be bleeding slightly which could explain the 30+ day bleed. After the scan the gynae said everything looked good, that baby was perfectly happy despite the possible bleeding placenta and there was no need for a stitch. She did advise me to chase up the pre term clinic though.

Happy Days and touch wood, ive not bled since Saturday.

So that was all very reassuring, for about 24hrs.

Since then ive convinced myself i have an infection, and that will lead to the baby dying. Im waiting on the results of the triple swab to confirm or deny this but in the mean time my imagination is in overdrive.

My tummy is a bit senstive to the touch, so i worry that means something is wrong too, but i do poke my tummy so its possible ive caused that.

If i hold my pee, i worry thatll lead to infection so i do my upmost to pee ASAP.

When my bladder is full i feel a pressure pushing against my waistband. Its most likely the baby, but i panic to begin with.

When i lie flat, i dont see a bump/lump that could be baby, that worries me. The baby is probably at the back of my uterus however, but i worry.

People on the birth boards are saying they felt movement at my gestation. I havent, so i worry. Even though i KNOW that those other people are most likely feeling wind or their bowels, as baby is only the size of a lemon. I worry.

I need to buy an xmas jumper and ive seen one i like that mentions the baby. Im shit scared to buy it in case it jinxes things. Its my homework though so ill buy it on payday and just get it done. Im also buying an xmas dress, this does not fill me with fear though as there is no mention of bump, even though its a maternity dress. Weird. 

The bleeding stopping has made me worry that the placenta isnt working properly and/or baby has died. Its more likely that my placenta has moved away from my cervix.

Basically, the numb feeling has gone. Its been replaced by anxiety and worry. Its because as of 12 weeks, baby became a person. A person i want to meet very much. I just cant believe ill be lucky enough to get a take home baby. I really cant. Not yet anyway.

What i need is consistent reassurance. By that i mean regular appointments. As it stands i have my 16 week midwife appointment, 20 week anomaly and fetal heart scan appointment and a mental health appointment booked (which is after week 21 so i may not even be pregnant then). No appointment with pre term clinic or rainbow clinic, my midwife and counsellor are now both chasing them up as i hate to mither.

I was told id have an appointment with pre term at 15 weeks, which is NEXT week. Rainbow is meant to start at 17 weeks. Im hoping for bi weekly appointments after that as i dont think i can go longer than that without going out of my mind with negative spiralling, panic and worry.

Ill be increasing my counselling to weekly for a while after xmas too just to manage the fear of the impending 21st week. 

My other homework is to write down my anxities when they become too much, which does tend to help usually, so fingers crossed.

Im now in the 2nd trimester finally and as of this morning have gained over a stone and a half in weight. Im going to be very roly poly come xmas.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Its stopped!!!

Its stopped!!!

Finally, no more bleeding!!! Im throughly pleased about it, although still mostly numb about this whole pregnancy thing.

I have my 1st appointment too. Its with my consultant, Dr V, in just over a week.

Im not sure what will happen at this appointment if im honest. It could just be a quick chat to start up the care or it could be combined with a booking appointment and/or a scan. We shall see.

I wrote my letter of concern to my GP practice on Wednesday following another call from the Nurse. This time to inform me i really shouldnt be on antidepressants now im pregnant  No shit Sherlock.

In an ideal world, I’d just stop taking them, but if i could do that i wouldnt really need them would i? 

I have in fact, discussed this multiple times with various health professionals, all of whom have agreed my mental health is most important at this time. I also discussed it before starting up IVF again back in May. Ive done everything i can but of course i now feel terrible following that phone call.

Ive asked i dont deal with that particular Nurse again throughout my pregnancy. I havent heard back from them and im not really expecting to if im honest. Hopefully ill just not have to deal with her again and my letter highlights a training issue.

Thankfully im not displaying any symptoms of infection, if i was id go back to EPU as they seem to take people seriously there!!! 

It’ll be nice to go back to work next week as it does help pass the time!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

This is going to be a tricky pregnancy…

This is going to be a tricky pregnancy…

Ive spent this afternoon in the early pregnancy unit, again.

After never going, i’ve now been twice in just over 2 weeks. I feel like i may be there often.

I went to the loo at work and there i was just bleeding profusely. No cramps but lots of blood.

Dashed out the office without really letting people know why, they thought i had an early finish! Sorry everyone!! 

Got to EPU and they told me it could be a 4hr wait so i settled in. I was assessed within 30 minutes and instantly put on the list for a scan. 

Within 50 minutes i had an internal scan and told the sonographer (who diagnosed Milo) i was prepared for bad news.

She had a look and turned the screen to show me a baby with a heartbeat, my response? ‘fuck off’. I seriously thought i had miscarried. Had told Mr Me to prepare himself and then theres a blob with a heartbeat…

Shocked isnt the word. Im flabbergasted. There was SO MUCH blood. Wherever its coming from isnt affecting baby though, its nice and high in my uterus, measuring a day ahead and has a Crown to Rump length of 22mm. 

They advised me to rest, i.e. bed rest. Even said i should get a bell to save my voice πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Clinic (Team Miracle) have told me to come off aspirin, increase the progesterone pessaries to 4 times a day, and keep my legs up.

They also told me to use a proluton (ass jab) if i had one, which i do. They really bloody hurt. But, if it keeps baby in place and stops the bleeding, itll be worth it.

I notice a pattern here….Milo, all good until 20 weeks, Millie ok until 12 weeks, Storm Trooper, naughty from 6 weeks on.

Its going to be a LONG 31 weeks if this continues.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx 

When Clexane goes wrong…

When Clexane goes wrong…

So baby loss awareness week ended on Saturday with the Wave of Light. I am thrilled with how many of you shared your candles on my Facebook event. It was so humbling to see so many bereaved parents come together to support one another.

Just because the week is over, doesnt mean ill stop talking about baby loss. Now more than ever i feel we need to keep the conversation going, to break the silence and end the taboo.

My losses are affecting me more than ever due to my new pregnancy. Ive had a lot of worry around how im handling pregnancy number 3. 

Today i saw my counsellor for the first time in 3 weeks. She reassured me that remaining in my numb bubble really is for the best at the moment. When i try and step out of that bubble, i become visibly anxious as there is so much to worry about. She saw it happening in the session. She also reminded me that the general populous wont understand my fears as they havent had my journey.

I did explain that although im not excited, i dont stop others being excited for me, its nice to see others enjoy it, even if im not just yet.

I discussed finding out the sex this time, she agreed it might be a good idea to aid in bonding, although to be honest im not at all worried about bonding. 

We can find out the sex from 16 weeks. Im not sure when exactly we will find out, we may go for it at 16 weeks, or possibly after a good 20 week scan, or perhaps after the golden 24th week. It all depends on when we are ready to know.

Im still not able to look too far forward either, i know ill be 12 weeks pregnant in 4 weeks but no idea which month or the date that lands on. Ive no idea when ill be 21 weeks and nor do i want to know, bit of an issue as ive promised Mr Me and Mum ill book that week off work, eeek. I dont even know when the golden 24th week is, honestly couldnt tell you.

Ive no desire to forward plan, just in case. Im not booked in with the midwives and dont know when my 12 week/dating/combined testing scan is. Its all in the hands of my bereavement team who are very capable, so im just not worrying about any of it.

Meanwhile im now 8 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

I weigh 8st 5lb as of this morning

My symptoms are

Eating, weight gain, vivid dreams and thats it folks…

By 5 weeks in my last pregnancy i was exhausted, that hasnt hit as yet. Not fully anyway. I was quite tired this weekend but ive got a lot on, on top of the pregnancy. Im having to go to a tribunal over my Mum’s benefit as she has been completely mis-assessed, she is losing her motability car next month rendering her housebound, meaning i need to source a new car for very little money ASAP. Essentially life is a bit nuts at the moment. 

Im still on a fair few meds; aspirin, pregnancy multivitamins, progesterone pessaries, estrogen tablets and the dreaded blood thinning jab, Clexane. I stupidly rushed the Clexane jab on Saturday night and this is the result:

Ive never had a bruise inside my tummy button before!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx 

Wave of Light Reminder

Wave of Light Reminder

Wave of Light Event

Today is International Baby Loss Awareness Day. Tonight at 7pm, all over the world people will light candles for the babies they lost, carried but never held, that were born too soon or left too early.

This is such an important day for bereaved parents like me. For those of us that havent lost a baby, this goes fairly unnoticed. We see it but dont understand it. And i hope that you never have to.

The grief continues forever. The hurt never leaves, we just learn to live with it, make space for it in our lives. But Today we can remember, openly. Today we can say, i lost a baby and it still hurts.

Today we can be sad once more without hiding it from the world. Today we can say, it happened to me. Today we can whisper our angel’s names and think, what if.

Today we dont have to hide.

I choose to speak out about this issue as i feel im strong enough to do it. Sometimes its like im meant to forget and just get on with life. How can i forget my babies? Yes its been traumatic but they are part of me, literally, their DNA is still floating around inside me and will be, forever more.

Having a Rainbow Baby doesnt make things better, that baby cannot replace what we have lost, but i hope, if Storm Trooper makes it into this world, i will have a new focus. But ill always light a candle today at 7pm. To remember what we lost.

I hope youll join me tonight and post pictures of your candles.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Its My Birthday

Its My Birthday

And the 1st one ive ever been pregnant for so we shall mostly be eating for the next couple of days.

Im 33 now, at 21 i thought 33 was really grown up. Im not grown up at all. Im still 21 in my head. 

What is difficult to comprehend though is how much infertility has impacted on my life.

At 33 i thought id have 2 school aged kids, that i’d be getting my career going again, instead im still chasing that illusive live baby.

My life is wonderful, i love my husband, i have a great job and my cats bring me endless joy. We are getting ready to look into moving to a bigger place and we have a very comfortable lifestyle.

But the gaping hole that is childlessness never leaves me. I cannot see myself without children though i know that it could be a real possibility if we lose the Storm Trooper.

Life isnt what i expected, in some respects its soooo much better, in others im disappointed, lost and grief stricken.

I have amazingly empathetic friends and a wonderful support system though, and im very grateful for it. 

I cannot deny that the last few years have changed me, dramatically, and im actually glad of those changes. Its made me a better person, its taught me whats important and its taught me that its OK to be me.

I still think 33 looks angry though!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx