6 months today!!! Flown by. Although in those first few weeks i didnt think we would make it.
Little T is an absolute delight these days. Except when he is teething and/or stays up late. Which is a lot at the moment. But its fine because mostly he is awesome
I still worry EVERY morning that he has died in his sleep (he is in his own room). I wake up and lie there waiting for him to make a noise, im too scared to go in first in case i find him lifeless. I remind myself daily that he is fine but im not sure ill ever stop feeling this way.
During the day though, we are having the best fun together. We have 4 classes a week and my anxiety about attending new ones is virtually zero.
Support network is set up, and brilliant.
We start weaning at the weekend. We are going with baby led. Im nervous and i dont know why. Perhaps because i have had such a strange relationship with food. Perhaps because its a sign time is flying past. Whatever it is, im fully kitted out now, and the veg is bought so i just need to take the plunge.
Changing tac slightly…
I had my 1st really down day yesterday. Id forgotten how low i could feel. It was preceeded by an anxiety attack the night before. It was a shock. I felt tearful all day. Its passed now but it was a stark reminder of why i take my meds.
Im currently having a kid free shop, its weird and i miss him. But its been nice to eat a sandwich slowly and drink a warm cup of tea. Haha
Its my birthday on Saturday, which means today is the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week. Itll forever more be a bittersweet week for me.
Theres a saying ‘you dont know what youve got til its gone’ which is a great saying that applies to most situations.
Except when you lose babies before having a live one to take home.
The grief is devastating, but you dont really know what you missed out on, until you take home a baby.
I love little T so so much, and to watch him learn and grow gives me so much pleasure. More and more i think about Milo and Millie and how they wouldve developed.
Would their eyes have started blue and changed to a rich brown?
Would they be dying to sit up?
What wouldve made them laugh? Or cry?
Would they have slept through by now?
I now understand what i lost, what couldve been. Its pretty painful all over again when i think of all the cuddles i missed out on, l the smiles i didnt see. It never goes away, the pain just lessens in severity.
Loss, at any stage, is just horrific. No parent should ever have to lose a child. More so though, no parent should feel they cant talk about their loss.
In todays society, its still a taboo to mention miscarriage, early or late. Talking about stillborn babies makes people uncomfortable. As such, bereaved parents are made to feel they must just get over it or forget it.
How do you just forget a person? Regardless of gestation, that baby was a person to his/her parents! Should we just forget when a grandparent/parent/aunt/uncle/brother or sister die? No!
So why is it different when the child is in utero? Put simply, it isnt.
So if you or someone you know loses a baby, talk to them about the loss. Dont worry about upsetting them, they are already heartbroken.
You are already likely to know someone who has suffered a loss as it happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies.
Little T got his 1st cold and a cough. (Think im now getting the cold too!!!)
Luckily my Mum was here to keep me calm and Calpol was administered, Little T was OK and nothing awful happened! We even managed a trip to the pub.
Today, as he is nearly 16 weeks, we put Little T down upstairs for the 1st time.
Id put the baby monitor stuff away believing there was no way i could let him sleep in a different room to us. But here he is in the crib in our room…
Im managing, just. Its hard, seeing him on a screen rather than peering into his moses basket but i think its for the best. We both have to get used to it. Ive managed not to put the sensor mat on too, but only because i can see him breathing on screen!!
And he is fine. He went to sleep after half an hour and a few pop ins from Mr Me and I. He is non the wiser, away in dreamland!
Little T burst his way into the world 14 weeks ago and forever changed our lives for the better!
I really struggled with being a Mummy in the beginning. I found it hard to accept my new role, to accept the change in relationship between Mr Me and I. I was warned id be tired, but i didnt understand, i was warned it was hard, but i didnt understand.
Now i do. Im permantly tired, thats the new normal, so i can cope with it. Sleep deprivation is a thing of the past, because we are used to it. For example, i got 3ish hours last night whereas Little T got 11. Go figure. Think i was waiting for him to wake for a feed all night, not daring to believe he’d sleep through.
One off or is this the start of 11 hour nights? The latter would be amazing but i wont count on it, yet.
Since allowing myself to love him, im finding my new role as Mummy, so rewarding. I love watching him learn and grow, although it seems to be going so so fast. Everyday, his smile melts me, i cannot believe we made something so so beautiful and clever.
The last few years seem like a bad dream. Ill never forget Milo and Millie, how could i? They helped shape who i am, but our rainbow, Little T, glows through those dark clouds, and makes those times seem so distant, that the grief is manageable, the pain dulled somewhat.
So at 14 weeks, my little man can smile and grab, hes so close to rolling over but hates tummy time. He loves music, and the car, he has a favourite toy, and being the centre of attention is his forte. He is the most amazing waste of time, i can spend hours just watching him. I cant believe how lucky i am.
I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.
Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.
I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.
Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.
Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux)
Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine.
Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.
I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy.
Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.
Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.
Today has been hard, Little T has been and continues to be so fussy at the bottle. He takes a few sucks, cries and spits it out and then screams bloody murder for it back again and the cycle repeats. Ive tried new bottles, new milk, faster flowing teats. Nothing settles him.
I feel like a failure. Like he hates me. Hes an angel for and around other people, including Mr Me but i feel like i just cant get it right.
Its soul destroying. Hes moany and whiney and i have less patience than i expected. Apparently i used up all my reserves going through IVF.
I feel like i shouldnt complain. I waited 8 years for this. I paid so much and lost so much. And now im shit at it. I cant settle him. I feel shit.
Hes no routine to speak of. He eats when he wants, sleeps when he wants and seems to scream inbetween times. Its bloody hard and i dont know what im doing wrong.
The occassions that hes a shit biscuit (hard work but super sweet hence shit biscuit) for Mr Me serve to remind me its not just me. He can be a shit for others. But mostly its reserved for me, hes all smiles when Daddy walks in
Those 5 minutes of contentment, or when he sleeps on me or beams are me, make it worth it but at times i just feel im not cut out for this.
Talk keeps turning to whether we will have another. Im 10 weeks in so no idea how im meant to know at this point god alone knows. But my answer makes me feel guilty. Its a resounding NO right now. The thought of a new born and toddler is terrifying. Im barely managing as it is. But theres 5 potential babies frozen in Cyprus and the guilt of not giving them a chance combined with knowing how lucky we are to even have Frosties is overwhelming.
I loved pregnancy, til the end, i dreamed of a big family and dont like the idea of Little T not having a sibling, but the thought of doing this again but with a walking, talking, little person in tow just fills me with dread. I hate myself for feeling this way.
On a different note…The way i look has gotten me to the point, where for the first time ever, i want to exercise. I downloaded an app that promises maximum results with minimal effort, “7 minutes a day of HIIT for a fitter, lighter version of you.” I bought active wear and everything to help me commit. I was excited to start. And i did it. All 13 exercises. The last one being star jumps. I was hot sweaty and exhausted, but so close. So i started jumping…and, promptly wet myself!!!!! THIS IS WHY I DONT EXERCISE. I have no pelvic floor it seems. I wasnt even aware it was happening….until i felt very wet. Pass the Tena Lady….no wonder you get free samples in after birth gift packs!! (Ive since replaced star jumps with additional abdo crunches and no more accidents)
I have the feels. All the feels. Im besotted, hes amazing, i cant remember life without him
But it took 8 weeks. 8 weeks to admit i loved him, 8 weeks to allow myself those feelings. To be honest im still cautious but my heart swells with his first smile of the day, regardless of my fear.
Infertility sucks on many levels. The months (years) of trying and failing. The agony of a period. The hoops to jump through en route to IVF, the hundreds of injections, watching all your friends have babies. People getting bored of your journey, the agony of IVF failures, of cancelled cycles, of feeling you are worth nothing as a woman. I could go on.
Basically its shit. And you know what, it continues to be shit even though i now have my very own mini human. Why? Because it hindered the love…it took so long for Little T to feel like mine, rather than me looking after someone elses baby. I was waiting for the bubble to burst. A small part of me still is and always will be, i guess.
Im still jealous of the fertile people, they decide to get pregnant and within months, are. No military planning, no saving thousands of pounds. Just happens or a little cycle observation and bam, preggers.
I still envy a bump. Stare in awe. Wish i could do it without investing time and money. Its silly, but true.
Baby loss literally built a wall around my heart. A wall im still chipping away at. Losing 2 children, 2 (IVF) babies, is soul destroying. It messes you up in so many ways. Ways i thought id dealt with. Then Little T came along and i realised i was messed up in ways i didnt imagine.
For weeks i thought i would lose him. That he would die. Thats what my babies did, they died. I was beyond terrified to love this tiny human in case he left me. I couldnt contemplate another loss. I just knew it would break me. So i kept Little T at arms length. Worried that loving him would mean losing him.
That fear consumed me. For so many weeks. Until the fear of seeing my baby, my offspring, in pain. The 8 week immunisations. Thank god for them, not only for the protection they offer but for opening my heart.
Feeling guarded, not loving my child. Shameful? Not at all. Just the way things are after the hand id been dealt. I will always admit to these feelings, ill never regret what ive been through. I truly am a better person for it. Never did i think itd extend this far into my life though…
This week has been a good one. I went to my 1st group (Hartbeeps, thanks for the recomendation). Little T was more interested in having a feed for most of it but i found it fun and interesting so will go back next week.
Little T had his 8 week jabs. And thats when it happened. I realised how much i love that little boy. Even before we got into the surgery i felt on the verge of tears, i was so upset that he was going to suffer. He on the other hand, was very brave. Im very proud but seeing the plasters on his chunky legs is heartbreaking
He does seem to enjoy the calpol afterwards though. And hes given me a fair few smiles since so i think im forgiven.
I told Mr Me that i realised i loved Little T and he laughed and told me he knew i did but also knew how scary that is. Its a sad affair when it takes your child being physically harmed for you to realise you love them but at least im there now and can start to enjoy being his Mum.
Also met up with the NCT ladies again this week. Such a lovely bunch with such lovely babies. So nice to get together to swap tips and war stories, have a natter with people that really get it. Im glad i have them in my life.
Ive also seen my work colleagues so ive been very social this week. Of course that means im fairly shattered now!!!!
The weather is fabulous, hot hot hot. Normally id be loving it being a bit of a sun worshipper but with a new born its hell!!!
I cannot keep the poor kid cool. He wont sleep upstairs as its beyond hot.
The gro egg of doom taunts me with its red glow and sad face on a nightly basis at the moment
Dont get me wrong its a brilliant bit of kit but at 3am when the boy wont settle, i can feel it judging me!!!
To move on from the weather thiugh….
Yesterday was Fathers Day and Mr Me got to celebrate AT LAST.
Little T got him an engraved box with lots of pictures round the side, and a card of course.
Mr Me fancied lunch out so off we went to the Trafford Centre as we were able to control Little Ts temperature somewhat there. Whilst waiting for a lift, a lady asked me if i was behind Confessions of Little Miss PMA!!!! She told me she had been reading for years and recognised us from pictures. Id been spotted. Im famous! I was so taken aback but so so grateful to her. You dont know it but you made our day, so, thank you!!
We had a lovely lunch and i got my pushing present…
I still cant get my wedding and engagement rings on so this is a place holder until i can. I love it!!!
Emotionally ive been feeling much more positive. Until this morning when i was knackered due to having 2hrs sleep and Little T just whinging for nearly 2 hours. I couldve broken down next to him. I had no patience so i walked away, made him a bottle, and he eventually fell asleep. I got an hr and a half too which made all the difference. When i woke up i was refreshed and able to deal with grumpy Little T. Its amazing how much brighter things seem when youve got 3.5hrs sleep in your pocket. Even if it is broken. Happy Days.
We have been to baby clinic today, Little T is now 8lb 15oz and finally able to start using the sleeping bags we bought as he kicks off blankets. Of course its now too bloody hot to use such a thing but itll be great when it cools down. Poor lad is currently just sleeping in a vest at night. During the day hes in a nappy under a muslin. Usually hates being naked but thats how hot it is.
The poor fur babies are beyond themselves too.
Splash is camped out by an additonal water bowl and i found Smudge in the bath yesterday!! Id hate to have a fur coat on in this heat!!!
I definitely feel more confident at this parenting thing, we are getting out almost everyday, it no longer takes an hour just to leave the house. I can read Little Ts cues more easily, hes gaining weight and most importantly ive kept him alive for 5 weeks!!!!
Im still overwhelmed by it all sometimes. Its not how i imagined but i am being rewarded. We think he is close to smiling which will be amazeballs. Its much harder than i imagined. I didnt expect my relationship with Mr Me to change as much as it has either.
We will be going on date night this week just to talk and reconnect. We miss each other for sure and Mr Me did confess he was struggling which actually made me feel oodles better as i thought it was just me. Itll be nice to have one on one time for a few hours to remember we are not just parents. Plus im looking forward to a few cocktails 🍾🥂🍹🍸
Little T is officially a person!! We registered him on Thursday. It was a fairly momentous day. I never thought id have a legal tiny human with a birth certificate and everything. An actual real birth certificate. A legally recognised child. Wow.
The same day that it was made legal, the day i officially became a Mummy, was also the same day as my 1st #mummyfail
After registering him, we had lunch, including little T, we then laid flowers at the Manchester memorial. Very sobering at the best of times but with a newborn it was something else. I had goosebumps. The whole city is grieving as one. The pain was palpable but so was the sense of community and determination that we will not be beaten
As we made our way back to the car, Little T was getting hungry, and i hadnt packed another bottle!!!!!! We had to go straight to the Prolonged Jaundice Clinic so the poor guy screamed for about an hour. I have never felt so awful. What a shit parent. Ive learnt from it and ill never leave the house with 1 bottle again but my word! It was just the worst feeling.
Not only that but i cut his little finger when clipping his nails the other day!!! The boy has really sharp nails and scratches himself, and me, a lot but from now on ill only be filing them down.
The smallest of things can really knock you. Being referred to the Jaundice Clinic made me feel i wasnt capable of looking after him properly. Even though he is still Jaundice, the Nurse Practitinor was happy that it would resolve on its own, still though, i couldnt get it cleared in the 2 weeks specified so #mummyfail
I couldnt breastfeed #mummyfail
I cut his finger #mummyfail
I didnt pack enough food #mummyfail
Not only am i making rookie mistakes but im also missing being pregnant which i feel guilty about. I waited so long to be a Mummy and now i am, i miss being pregnant.
However, the NCT girls who have also given birth, miss their bumps too, so im not alone or weird.
Even though it was tough at the end and my anxiety was up throughout, i miss feeling him move, i miss the way i looked, i miss the feeling that i was doing something amazing. Now im just flabby, with no clothes that fit!!!! But my belly button bar did go back in with ease the other day which pleased me no end!!
Despite all my #mummyfails, yesterday Little T and i flew solo as Mr Me went back to work. We survived. And with smiles on our faces. We didnt get out but i did organise a drawer
I applied for child benefit and kept the boy alive so im classing it as a #mummywin
I missed Mr Me terribly but i was proud that we got on well without him. I managed a shower, getting dressed and made up, lunch, sterilising and making up bottles. Ok so everything took an hour and a half longer than normal (when Mr Me is around and since Little T’s birth) but it got done and that is a #mummywin
The feelings are coming. I stare at him and marvel that i made him, i study every part of his face, admire every expression and movement. I would do anything to protect him. I miss him when he sleeps.
Its not the ‘rush’ i expected, was told about, instead its a slow creep of emotion that in time will consume my very being. Its not what i was expecting but its more than i ever dreamed it would be.