Tag: bereaved parent

Never knew how much id hate the sun when i had a kid

Never knew how much id hate the sun when i had a kid

The weather is fabulous, hot hot hot. Normally id be loving it being a bit of a sun worshipper but with a new born its hell!!! 
I cannot keep the poor kid cool. He wont sleep upstairs as its beyond hot.

The gro egg of doom taunts me with its red glow and sad face on a nightly basis at the moment

Dont get me wrong its a brilliant bit of kit but at 3am when the boy wont settle, i can feel it judging me!!! 

To move on from the weather thiugh….

Yesterday was Fathers Day and Mr Me got to celebrate AT LAST.

Little T got him an engraved box with lots of pictures round the side, and a card of course.

Mr Me fancied lunch out so off we went to the Trafford Centre as we were able to control Little Ts temperature somewhat there. Whilst waiting for a lift, a lady asked me if i was behind Confessions of Little Miss PMA!!!! She told me she had been reading for years and recognised us from pictures. Id been spotted. Im famous! I was so taken aback but so so grateful to her. You dont know it but you made our day, so, thank you!! 

We had a lovely lunch and i got my pushing present…

I still cant get my wedding and engagement rings on so this is a place holder until i can. I love it!!! 

Emotionally ive been feeling much more positive. Until this morning when i was knackered due to having 2hrs sleep and Little T just whinging for nearly 2 hours. I couldve broken down next to him. I had no patience so i walked away, made him a bottle, and he eventually fell asleep. I got an hr and a half too which made all the difference. When i woke up i was refreshed and able to deal with grumpy Little T. Its amazing how much brighter things seem when youve got 3.5hrs sleep in your pocket. Even if it is broken. Happy Days.

We have been to baby clinic today, Little T is now 8lb 15oz and finally able to start using the sleeping bags we bought as he kicks off blankets. Of course its now too bloody hot to use such a thing but itll be great when it cools down. Poor lad is currently just sleeping in a vest at night. During the day hes in a nappy under a muslin. Usually hates being naked but thats how hot it is.

The poor fur babies are beyond themselves too.

Splash is camped out by an additonal water bowl and i found Smudge in the bath yesterday!! Id hate to have a fur coat on in this heat!!! 

I definitely feel more confident at this parenting thing, we are getting out almost everyday, it no longer takes an hour just to leave the house. I can read Little Ts cues more easily, hes gaining weight and most importantly ive kept him alive for 5 weeks!!!!

Im still overwhelmed by it all sometimes. Its not how i imagined but i am being rewarded. We think he is close to smiling which will be amazeballs. Its much harder than i imagined. I didnt expect my relationship with Mr Me to change as much as it has either.

We will be going on date night this week just to talk and reconnect. We miss each other for sure and Mr Me did confess he was struggling which actually made me feel oodles better as i thought it was just me. Itll be nice to have one on one time for a few hours to remember we are not just parents. Plus im looking forward to a few cocktails 🍾🥂🍹🍸

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

#mummyfails 

#mummyfails 

Little T is officially a person!! We registered him on Thursday. It was a fairly momentous day. I never thought id have a legal tiny human with a birth certificate and everything. An actual real birth certificate. A legally recognised child. Wow.

Proud Mummy Moment

The same day that it was made legal, the day i officially became a Mummy, was also the same day as my 1st #mummyfail

After registering him, we had lunch, including little T, we then laid flowers at the Manchester memorial. Very sobering at the best of times but with a newborn it was something else. I had goosebumps. The whole city is grieving as one. The pain was palpable but so was the sense of community and determination that we will not be beaten

St Ann’s Square, Manchester

As we made our way back to the car, Little T was getting hungry, and i hadnt packed another bottle!!!!!! We had to go straight to the Prolonged Jaundice Clinic so the poor guy screamed for about an hour. I have never felt so awful. What a shit parent. Ive learnt from it and ill never leave the house with 1 bottle again but my word! It was just the worst feeling.

Not only that but i cut his little finger when clipping his nails the other day!!! The boy has really sharp nails and scratches himself, and me, a lot but from now on ill only be filing them down.

The smallest of things can really knock you. Being referred to the Jaundice Clinic made me feel i wasnt capable of looking after him properly. Even though he is still Jaundice, the Nurse Practitinor was happy that it would resolve on its own, still though, i couldnt get it cleared in the 2 weeks specified so #mummyfail

I couldnt breastfeed #mummyfail

I cut his finger #mummyfail

I didnt pack enough food #mummyfail

Not only am i making rookie mistakes but im also missing being pregnant which i feel guilty about. I waited so long to be a Mummy and now i am, i miss being pregnant.

However, the NCT girls who have also given birth, miss their bumps too, so im not alone or weird.

Even though it was tough at the end and my anxiety was up throughout, i miss feeling him move, i miss the way i looked, i miss the feeling that i was doing something amazing. Now im just flabby, with no clothes that fit!!!! But my belly button bar did go back in with ease the other day which pleased me no end!! 

Despite all my #mummyfails, yesterday Little T and i flew solo as Mr Me went back to work. We survived. And with smiles on our faces. We didnt get out but i did organise a drawer

I applied for child benefit and kept the boy alive so im classing it as a #mummywin 

That face!!!

I missed Mr Me terribly but i was proud that we got on well without him. I managed a shower, getting dressed and made up, lunch, sterilising and making up bottles. Ok so everything took an hour and a half longer than normal (when Mr Me is around and since Little T’s birth) but it got done and that is a #mummywin

The feelings are coming. I stare at him and marvel that i made him, i study every part of his face, admire every expression and movement. I would do anything to protect him. I miss him when he sleeps.

Its not the ‘rush’ i expected, was told about, instead its a slow creep of emotion that in time will consume my very being. Its not what i was expecting but its more than i ever dreamed it would be.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

He’s still here!

He’s still here!

He hasnt been taken off us, nothing bad has happened. Little T is still here. And it still hasnt sunk in!!

My breastfeeding guilt is fading fast now as my supply has gone. Its reassuring to know that when im in my lavender bath soothing my sore bits, and he stirs, Mr Me can take over.

There is more control with a bottle too, i know exactly how much he is taking which plays into my control freak personality perfectly.

Apparantly he is still a bit Jaundice meaning he has been referred to the prolonged jaundice clinic tomorrow. Mr Me and I then had a #badparentmoment where we questioned what we did wrong. 2 hours later the midwife came round and said the health visotor who referred him was being overly cautious. To me he looks whiter than ever and his eyes are less yellow today than yesterday too. Ill keep him in daylight as much as possible today but with plenty of wet and dirty nappies going on im really hoping we get discharged at his appointment tomorrow.

Im not the parent i thought id be. I thought id freak out the minute he squeaked but i dont, im calm even when hes really shouting and ive impressed myself. 

My fear of SIDS is lessening. It never actually crippled me as much as i thought it would. The sensor pad is a massive reassurance and as im awake 22 hours of the day anyway….

I jest, im getting better with sleeping. I can crash in the afternoon when hes asleep in his moses basket sometimes and Mr Me and I are taking the nights in shifts so we both get a few hours of good sleep each.

The sleep deprivation is getting easier to manage now too. My pain is subsiding which is allowing me to relax more, and i can drive again!!!!! This really helps with my anxiety as i love to drive and it gives me a huge sense of control. Im a terrible passenger and i think Mr Me is secretly glad i can drive myself about again too.

We, as a 3, have been fairly busy. Little T had 3 photoshoots last week (meant to be 2 but was wide awake for one of them so had to go back) and weve also been out to the pub twice and to the Trafford Centre. Going to the TC was a massive thing for me. For years ive watched new Mums push their babies around in gleaming prams and wondered if itd ever be me. And then it was and it made me so proud.

I am very proud and very protective of Little T. I think hes amazing and i stare at him for hours without realising. When he fixes on me with his big eyes and i talk to him, its wonderful. But still no rush of love so to speak. Ive no doubt itll come though, the instincts are there, i just need to get over my fear that something will take him away from us. It is lessening day by day i think but after 8 years there is a lot to wade through before reaching the other side.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Final Scan!

Final Scan!

Today i had my 24th and final scan. The little man is happy and healthy and estimated at 7lb3oz. That sounds manageable.

I did say ‘shit’ when i saw the measurement across the top of his head…9.3cm. Its normal but bloody hell i have to push that out 🤔😕🤤

In less than 48 hours the induction process begins. It seems so close but so far away. It doesnt seem real still. Ive been getting the house sorted and setting up the nursery and it doesnt click that MY baby will be using it, that ill be bringing baby home this time.

Being honest, i havent enjoyed the washing of everything or the setting up of the nursery and stuff in our room. Ive found it tough, like im tempting fate or that itll amount to nothing. Even putting the car seat base in seems a step too far. Its overwhelming and makes me a bit uncomfortable.

Ive also realised that babies need A LOT of stuff, most of which involves a plug!!!
I just cant imagine having a real life baby but at the same time cant wait for him to be out so i can see, touch, smell and hold him.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

A subdued Mothers Day.

A subdued Mothers Day.

Happy Mothers Day to all the Mummies, Mummies to be and Angel Mummies out there 💐🌹🥀🌺🌻🌼

Today also happens to be Millie’s 2nd anniversary which did put a dampner on the day.

Ill be honest. I dont see myself as a Mummy yet. Ive given birth but havent had anyone to Mother yet so i find today a bit weird. Mr Me let slip yesterday that he had bought me a gift from bump…

I explained that i wasnt comfortable with celebrating Mothers Day without a child to actually parent. Im also slightly worried about jinxing our current pregnancy. Which is silly i know, but im still waiting for things to go wrong. Even this close to the end.

I visited my Mum today though and we stayed at her house, chatting and looking at baby clothes online. I seem to freak out less looking online, not that i bought anything though. 🙈

Ive finally resolved to start using my hospital due date which is a day ahead of my IVF due date. This means that today im 33weeks and 1day or 33+1. The little dude could be here in the next 7 weeks. OMG. 🤤😲

Excuse the roll of chub on my back…im 3lbs off a 4 stone weight gain now so definitley a chub chubster.

This week marks the start of a very busy period! I have my first NCT (antenatal) class on Wednesday, another growth scan on Thursday, im seeing Russell Howard on Friday and its my first Baby Shower on Saturday.

The house buying is coming along. The searches on the new house threw up a few queries so we are looking to get those answered. Our buyer has finally had his valuation done so should be able to progress with more speed. Hopefully, we are still on track to move mid-late April. I seriously hope its not pushed back as that would result in me being dangerously close to giving birth and not having everything i want in place!!!! 

Fingers crossed.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Halfway…

Halfway…

20 weeks and 1 day. 

This was me yesterday

Excuse the hair and glasses, it was early and a Sunday!!

Now, i’ve been here twice before, once with a healthy baby on board too, so i cant quite get excited about things yet.

This baby is very active, but keeping away from my cervix which im super pleased about! 

The next big milestone is getting through week 21 without going into labour. Im off work which im looking forward to as im shattered, but wherever i go, Mr Me will be by my side, just in case.

Im in the process of booking a scan for the Wednesday, as reassurance and to see if we can get gender confirmation.

Im also seeing a friend and her toddler, having my hair done and having family round to keep busy but not too busy.

Thats on top of counselling, a cervix check and midwife appointment. 

At the moment im not feeling too bad about that week. I think im just concentrating on having a week off rather than WHY im having the week off.

Baby has behaved since 14 weeks which is reassuring and im sure my cervix being left alone by baby is going to be a plus in the long run too.

Sad thing is theres just no way to know and until im through it, i wont believe it. 

On the flip side i am excited to get to 22 weeks and to be the most pregnant ive ever been. Ill allow myself to buy some new maternity clothes at that point (I’m cold). 24 is still the main goal however.

Im struggling a bit with my hips now, i have to change sides every hour in bed, which explains why im tired a lot! The pain in my right hip particularly, can last well into the afternoon but ill take it if it means i get to meet this baby.

I do still worry about twinges but then i remind myself its growing or ligament pain and i feel baby move, and feel better. Im on constant watch for back ache as thats how my last labour started and i am keeping an eye out for infection.

Today i think i’ve done a bit of nesting!!!! Ive put together 4 bags of clothes for charity shops, got rid of a load of useless bottles from the bathroom, and cleared out my bedside table. Its all very neat and decluttered now. Ive got 2 bags of stuff for the black bin, but its full, so roll on bin day. Once Mr Me has taken the 4 bags, ill clear out the 2nd wardrobe i think.

Im feeling very acomplished today so now im sat on the sofa catching up with Celeb Big Brother

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Going out of my mind

Firstly, some positives. This weekend Mr Me and I went away for our anniversary. We booked a really lovely hotel and had a great time just the 2 of us, chatting and eating lovely food and resting. The hotel was so nice that id like to go back when/if  im further along for a ‘babymoon’ and will remember to book the spa and afternoon tea in advance next time! 

Ok, the not so good. I woke up at 5am on Sunday morning pretty much paralysed with fear about the pregnancy. This is happening most mornings now but Sunday was by far the worst its been. Mr Me had to hold onto me as i was so upset. i did eventually fall back to sleep but then spent most of the day in bed as all this worrying is wearing me out.

On Saturday morning after worrying about my lack of appointments i emailed PALS (Patient Advice and Liasion Service). I went through my concerns but also praised my bereavement midwife (who is currently my midwife) and my counsellor for all their support.

I woke up to a voicemail from my midwife today in response to the email to PALS as i copied her in. She reassured me i hadnt been forgotten but went on to say the rainbow clinic wont see me until AFTER my anomaly scan. Ill be 20 weeks and 6 days when i have that, im 15+1 today. So another 6 weeks before my baby and placenta is checked. WTF?? She went on to say the pre term clinic are looking at my referral today, theyve had it 4 weeks, and ill hear later this afternoon when they want to see me.

This has sent me into a tailspin. Mr Me is coming home early to sit with me as im going out of my mind. Its like no one at these clinics gets how tough pregnancy aftet losses are!!!!! i just spend everyday worrying and thinking the worst and apparently thats ok and im not worth dealing with until after the big scan at almost 21 weeks. Baby isnt moving yet so no reasaurance there, EPU only do doppler scans after 13 weeks so no reassurance there. It appears I have no clinical need to be seen. I lost Millie with no warning and thought that would be need enough to be honest. We cant rule out that i dont still have the infection that killed Millie so surely i should be monitored? 

I also got a letter last Thursday to say i have another UTI, again no symptoms but showing up when cultured. Surely this is another reason i need to be monitored?? Im calling my gp in a bit to make sure my prescription is done.

My heads all over the place. Im not coping well.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Milestones, please!!

Milestones, please!!

Been quite a week. Anxiety is getting the better of me, big time.

So on Wednesday, i had a few cramps. Probably just stretching cramps but i FREAKED out. By early afternoon i couldnt take anymore and went to EPU. 

After triage, the gynae used the doppler to find baby, all fine. I had another internal, and 3 swabs. My cervix is so posterior (at the back), she couldnt see it so sent me for a cervical scan. 

Music to my ears as im so worried about my cervix giving out on me. She was ready to book me a stitch should i need it.

Scan revealed baby was fine, cervix was long and shut…all good news!! Also found out my placenta is posterior, again, at the back, so ill actually feel baby this time. It was at the front with Millie so i struggled to feel movement except by my cervix! 

The sonographer noted that my placenta may be bleeding slightly which could explain the 30+ day bleed. After the scan the gynae said everything looked good, that baby was perfectly happy despite the possible bleeding placenta and there was no need for a stitch. She did advise me to chase up the pre term clinic though.

Happy Days and touch wood, ive not bled since Saturday.

So that was all very reassuring, for about 24hrs.

Since then ive convinced myself i have an infection, and that will lead to the baby dying. Im waiting on the results of the triple swab to confirm or deny this but in the mean time my imagination is in overdrive.

My tummy is a bit senstive to the touch, so i worry that means something is wrong too, but i do poke my tummy so its possible ive caused that.

If i hold my pee, i worry thatll lead to infection so i do my upmost to pee ASAP.

When my bladder is full i feel a pressure pushing against my waistband. Its most likely the baby, but i panic to begin with.

When i lie flat, i dont see a bump/lump that could be baby, that worries me. The baby is probably at the back of my uterus however, but i worry.

People on the birth boards are saying they felt movement at my gestation. I havent, so i worry. Even though i KNOW that those other people are most likely feeling wind or their bowels, as baby is only the size of a lemon. I worry.

I need to buy an xmas jumper and ive seen one i like that mentions the baby. Im shit scared to buy it in case it jinxes things. Its my homework though so ill buy it on payday and just get it done. Im also buying an xmas dress, this does not fill me with fear though as there is no mention of bump, even though its a maternity dress. Weird. 

The bleeding stopping has made me worry that the placenta isnt working properly and/or baby has died. Its more likely that my placenta has moved away from my cervix.

Basically, the numb feeling has gone. Its been replaced by anxiety and worry. Its because as of 12 weeks, baby became a person. A person i want to meet very much. I just cant believe ill be lucky enough to get a take home baby. I really cant. Not yet anyway.

What i need is consistent reassurance. By that i mean regular appointments. As it stands i have my 16 week midwife appointment, 20 week anomaly and fetal heart scan appointment and a mental health appointment booked (which is after week 21 so i may not even be pregnant then). No appointment with pre term clinic or rainbow clinic, my midwife and counsellor are now both chasing them up as i hate to mither.

I was told id have an appointment with pre term at 15 weeks, which is NEXT week. Rainbow is meant to start at 17 weeks. Im hoping for bi weekly appointments after that as i dont think i can go longer than that without going out of my mind with negative spiralling, panic and worry.

Ill be increasing my counselling to weekly for a while after xmas too just to manage the fear of the impending 21st week. 

My other homework is to write down my anxities when they become too much, which does tend to help usually, so fingers crossed.

Im now in the 2nd trimester finally and as of this morning have gained over a stone and a half in weight. Im going to be very roly poly come xmas.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

31 days…

31 days…

31 days and counting since i started bleeding. 2 massive red bleeds and continual spotting inbetween. Sometimes heavy, sometimes light. But always there. The only time its nearly come to an end is when i had time off work. 

Humph! And certain incompetent healthcare professionals want me to come off my antidepressants!! Yeah 2 late losses and continual bleeding really sounds like the time to come off the only thing keeping me stable.

So 13 weeks and everything appears to be going well. But i still cant get excited. Instead im getting more anxious and scared with each passing day.

The closer we get to 16 weeks the more likely i am to have to give birth to another stillborn. I really cannot see me having a live baby yet. The closer we get to week 21, the more scared i am, silly as that is.

Im anxious that i havent heard back about my risk factor after the 12 week scan, even though i KNOW im low risk. A friend had her scan 2 days after me and had her letter confirming she is low risk at the weekend.

I have to keep telling myself i AM low risk but my anxiety runs away with me. The 1.1mm NT measurement does offer some reassurance but its short lived.

I havent heard from the pre term clinic or rainbow clinic yet. Thats also adding to my anxiety. I want my cervix looked at and stitched. Im aware that until i stop bleeding it may not be possible but id love for someone to measure it and make sure its behaving.

I recently found out they give you a spinal block when doing the stitch. FEAR. I had a lumbar puncture a few years back and couldnt walk for 3 weeks and was in agony as they nicked a nerve.

I naievely thought i could have gas and air whilst they did it but of course im likely to squirm. Im hoping i can ask for sedation or a GA if i explain my fear.

Theres just so much to worry about. I cant plan ahead. I need to get an xmas jumper for one of my (4) xmas meals, with an xmas obsessed friend, but im scared buying one will jinx it.

Id like a couple of new maternity bits but again im afraid itll jinx it. As a side note, maternity tops that are long sleeved seem non existent, they are either short or 3/4 length…do pregnant people not get cold in winter?? I bloody do!! 

I keep looking at my birth board on Babycentre and thats freaking me out too. I know i shouldnt look but occasionally there are some amazing bits of advice. As im due end of the month, some people are 4 weeks ahead of me. They talk of feeling movement, laying down and having a definitive lump where baby is. Obviously, i dont! But i still worry so much about it. Baby is the length of a peapod so of course im not going to feel anything but i worry anyway.

Im STILL struggling with pregnancy announcements, which is bizzare as i AM pregnant. Ive thought long and hard about this and ive come to the conclusion its because i still feel like im the one that wont make it to the end. I wont get my take home baby. Everything so far points to things going well but im terrified to get my hopes up.

Essentially, this pregnancy is much much harder emotionally than i ever thought it could be. Physically its probably the easiest ive ever had but id swap it around in a heartbeat.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Its stopped!!!

Its stopped!!!

Finally, no more bleeding!!! Im throughly pleased about it, although still mostly numb about this whole pregnancy thing.

I have my 1st appointment too. Its with my consultant, Dr V, in just over a week.

Im not sure what will happen at this appointment if im honest. It could just be a quick chat to start up the care or it could be combined with a booking appointment and/or a scan. We shall see.

I wrote my letter of concern to my GP practice on Wednesday following another call from the Nurse. This time to inform me i really shouldnt be on antidepressants now im pregnant  No shit Sherlock.

In an ideal world, I’d just stop taking them, but if i could do that i wouldnt really need them would i? 

I have in fact, discussed this multiple times with various health professionals, all of whom have agreed my mental health is most important at this time. I also discussed it before starting up IVF again back in May. Ive done everything i can but of course i now feel terrible following that phone call.

Ive asked i dont deal with that particular Nurse again throughout my pregnancy. I havent heard back from them and im not really expecting to if im honest. Hopefully ill just not have to deal with her again and my letter highlights a training issue.

Thankfully im not displaying any symptoms of infection, if i was id go back to EPU as they seem to take people seriously there!!! 

It’ll be nice to go back to work next week as it does help pass the time!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx