Mental Health

Yesterday was #worldmentalhealth day. A day where people are encouraged to talk about thier issues with mental health and everyone is reminded how dibilitating mental health problems can be, but how very normal it is too.

1 in 4 suffer with mental health problems and im one of them.

I suffer with depression (for which im medicated) and anxiety. Ironically, my anxiety was through the roof yesterday.

Im not sure what triggered it. Perhaps the lack of sleep ive been experiencing (due to insomnia, not Little T). In retrospect ive ‘not felt comfortable in my skin’ for the last 48hrs so i should have realised it would end in a full blown attack.

For me, the physical/visible symptoms consist of

• Increased heart rate
• Clenched teeth
• Tensed muscles, particularly in my legs
• Wringing hands
• Fidgeting

The non physical/visible symptoms are

• Doubting myself
• Questioning all my decisions, past and present
• Thinking people are upset/angry with me
• Not wanting to leave the house
• Not wanting to be alone
• Unable to communicate my feelings 
• Fearful of everyday activities

Little T is a great distraction. During the day im so focussed on him, there isnt time for my mind to wander, no time to question or doubt my decisions. Then he goes to bed and the anxiety monster rears its head.

Ive been averaging 4hours sleep the last few weeks which has taken its toll, ive kept myself super busy during the day in order to ignore the warning signs, but yeaterday it caught up with me.

Im lucky, Mr Me is very unerstanding and supportive. He goes out of his way to make things easier for me when im suffering. Whether that be rearranging social events or just cuddling me and reminding me of my good qualities. 

Im very open, ill happily tell somone about my mental health problems, if the opportunity arises. Sadly, in our society, that doesnt happen often. Its another taboo, something people dont want to admit to and that society doesnt want to hear.

It makes no sense. Its an illness. Same as a cough or cold. But as its not visible, people struggle to understand.

But its OK to talk, its time to break the stigma. These illnesses lead to sucicide or self harm, how can we not talk about that?? 

Days like yesterday are vital. Thing is, EVERY DAY should be mental health awareness day. 

You never know what somone is feeling, what demon they are fighting, so be nice, always.

I come across as very confident, for example, but most days there is an internal war going on in my head. Some days are better, the meds help, but some days, like yesterday, it wins and i lose

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Most pregnant I have ever been

Woohoo!! we made it through the majority of scary week and finally im the most pregnant i have ever been!

Its been a lovely day so far. I had my whooping cough vaccination this morning, followed by brunch at Harvey Nichols. Sue Johnston was there too (The Royle Family), dining with celebs!!

After a lovely brunch, looking out over the city, we made our way to the private scan, to try and get some head shots. I remembered to eat chocolate and have a fizzy drink too, just to get him moving.

Im pleased to say it worked a treat and here he is. Baby PMA in the flesh…

His little nose and ear and chin

Nose, mouth and eyes!

Looks just like Daddy

Hand, arm, leg and foot

Daddy’s knee’s 

 

Knows how to suck!!

Big yawn!

He no longer looks like Morph, he has a face! His daddy’s face, he’s the image of Mr Me!

It was a lovely experience, and i cant believe how much more bonded we feel to our little dude.

Today has been an amazing day for so many reasons.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

 

My 1st trip to the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) *updated*

After my horrid dream i thought i would distract myself by returning some items to the local shopping centre.

After returning the items i stopped for decaf coffee and a chat with my Mum. Obviously, i then needed the loo.

And thats when it happened. Bright red blood on the toilet paper. 🤔🤔

I freaked. Who wouldnt, but as it wasnt pouring i knew it was unlikely to be really sinister. I decided to head for the local EPU. 

Upon arrival at the hospital i went to the loo again to see the state of play. All clear but i wanted to get checked anyway.

I checked into EPU, had my blood pressure checked, bloods taken and my cervix was checked. It was closed. Phew.

I felt a bit of an idiot to be honest but they reassured me id done the right thing.

Im awaiting a call from them with my hcg level and whether i need a scan tomorrow or repeat bloods on Wednesday. 

I was in and out within an hour but everyone was lovely and reassuring. 

Fingers crossed the results come back ok too.

UPDATE My hcg came in at 16667. Im now freaking out as i thought they would be higher based on doubling figures every 48 hours from OTD???? 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

So, whats your plan?

Today i had to call the GP to extend my sick note. The conversation went a little like this…

‘Id like to extend my sick note please

How long have you had off?

12 weeks

Well whats your plan? The longer you wait the harder it will be to return.

Im really struggling still and havent started counselling yet. An urgent referral has been put in

When and who to?

End of May and family services

You could be waiting months for a referral

I know but combined with anxiety im not ready yet

What do you do

Admin, but at the moment i wouldnt be able to concentrate, manage tasks/workload

Ok well lets increase the antidepressants and see where we go from there’

I got another month….

Since then ive basically had a melt down. Full on panic. I love my job and i do want to go back, but i cant make it round tesco never mind spend 7 hours at work. 

I went to the surgery on friday for some tests, was there maybe 40 minutes and by the time i got out i couldnt remember my way home (i did manage to get home but was really confused on the route). This is not nornal behaviour, considering i live 5 mins from the surgery.

My reaction to the above conversation is also not normal. Im shaking, i cant breathe, im playing out worst case scenarios in my mind, i feel sick, im sweating. I called my bereavement team who have emailed me and stopped me spiralling but im way up there still.  The bereavement team feel the referral should come good in next couple of weeks amd will also speak to my GP. Im very lucky to have their support.  

Its funny how a perfectly innocent conversation can cause absolute panic. I wonder how long it will last….

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Anxiety sucks…

Today i am not me. Today i am anxious. 

I cannot leave the house….the thought fills me with dread, i dont believe anything bad will happen to me or my family but i KNOW i cannot cope with the outside world.

It sucks, i have things to do, i wanted to have my eyebrows threaded and pick up a few bits from Boots for the holiday.

It took me a while to recognise what i was feeling, i knew i was on edge when i woke up but it has developed into anxiety. Even writing about it is making me shakey. I can feel my heartbeat quicken and the sense of fear is increasing.

Problem is, tomorrow, i HAVE to go out. I have to see my Mum and Grandma in leeds, thursday i HAVE to see my GP to renew my sick note and take some clothes back.

My fur babies are in the garden, chasing insects and seem to be enjoying themselves, but i cant even manage the garden today.

I do not want to be crippled by this, its happened before, back in 2005/6, i didnt leave our apartment for weeks at a time back then, when i did i had a full blown panic attack.

I recognise this beast for what it is, and i hope its just a one day thing, and that it will slink off back to its lair later leaving me in peace and able to function. Even though i recognise it and have made the decision to stay indoors, im still an anxious mess. 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx