Firsts

There have been a number of firsts over the last few weeks. Some good and some not so good.

Little T smiled for the 1st time…at the GP. She had literally just asked if he was smiling yet, i said only windy smiles for him to smile at her!!!!! Since then we have managed to see a few more smiles but none caught on camera and ive no idea what made him smile so cant replicate it!!! 

Im on my period for the first time in 10 months. Although not painful it is heavy, and long. Im used to 2 days of fresh blood and a few days spotting. Today is day 5 of fresh red blood!!! Been through a pack of sani pads and onto my 2nd since Saturday. This better not be a sign of things to come as im not a fan. 

Mr Me and I went on our 1st date night since Little Ts arrival. We spent 90% of it talking about Little T but the other 10% we were just us. Not parents. Just a married couple, in their 30s, drinking cocktails. That time as a couple was so valuable, so needed. For weeks we had barely seen each other, let alone had a conversation so to sit and eat and just talk was wonderful. It was actually kinda hard to go home as the cocktails were going down so nicely! 

This week was the 1st time ive admitted to a health professional im struggling a bit. The health visitor asked about meds and i said i was thinking of upping my antidepressants. Im not super low or anything but im quite anxious. Plus ive never done well in my own company and as much as i try to get out, im on my own with the baby. The HV gave me details of a group for Mums who are struggling and i really need to contact my counsellor but i cant seem to do it. My self confidence is beginning to drop, im anxious about walking into a group on my own!!! 

Im finding it hard due to the pressure i feel. Which is self inflicted. I feel like i need to manage being a Mum beautifully. With no hiccups. After all ive waited 8 years for this, it should be everything ive ever wanted. And it is. But its also sooooooo different to the picture i had in my mind. Im happy to tell others how well they are doing despite sleep deprivation etc. But cant take my own advice, ever. 

I worry im missing subtle clues, that my baby is in distress and i dont know. I look at the online baby group and then come off it again as its overwhelming. I really worry im not doing enough with Little T, that hes bored or that im not stimulating him in the right way. He goes on his tummy once a day on his gym and listens to songs and we show him toys of various colours and textures….is that enough??? 

There are times ive wondered why i yearned for this, times ive wondered if im cut out for it, times ive wondered why ive inflicted this on myself and Mr Me. But then Little T looks at me with those big eyes and its all worth it or i see Mr Me and Little T together and know its absolutely worth it.

Right now id do anything for 8 hours sleep, a warm meal and a full body massage. Carrying about my 9lb+ son is not good for my back!! 

Speaking of my body, ive not lost an ounce of weight in weeks. Its starting to get to me. Im on my feet a lot and barely have time to eat so how am i not losing weight??? I have about 4 outfits that look OK so its kinda like being pregnant and wearing the same outfits over and over again!!! I need to join baby gym really, but as above, im nervous! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Hormones….or something else?

Little T is 4 weeks old tomorrow. 4 weeks!!!! 

Our lives have totally changed in those 4 weeks. Absolutely for the better. 8 years of graft, hope, hurt and tears have come to fruition and we have created a beautiful little person. Who, as i type, is screaming and has done, on and off, for 3 hours after being a dream in front of people all day.

He is worth the sleep deprivation, the pain, the piles 🤢, and i wouldnt change him for the world.

But today i realised something. Im struggling with jealousy.

There have been a couple of pregnancy announcements in the last few days, and despite having a 4 week old, im jealous. Its the same old story, i cant just make a baby, need to plan a trip abroad blah blah. And its not that im not happy with my baby, it just reminds me of what i cant do and that i may never give Little T a sibling.

Im also jealous of Mr Me. He is totally 100% in love with Little T. He told me how he aches for him when hes at work. Im not there yet, yeah ok, im with him 19+ hrs a day so dont really have chance to miss him yet (although i did today, despite being in his presence, Mr Me or our friends had hold of Little T all day and i did miss cuddles, of course as soon as i get chance for cuddles, he gets grouchy. Go figure) but i feel inadequate. Despite knowing its pretty normal, i feel like im failing as a Mum/Parent. Id do anything for the little guy, id protect him to the end of time and he only has to squeal and im there, but im not IN love. Not yet. And i feel like i should be. I do love him. Especially when he looks like this…

The other thing ive realised is that im jealous that Mr Me loves Little T, so much

Dont get me wrong, its exactly as it should be, but he now looks at the baby the way he used to look at me. His focus is split between us, again, as it should be, but i miss the attention

Mr Me is my best friend, its been him and me against the world for 13 years. We have been through the WORST of times together and always come out the other side stronger. Now here we are going through the BEST of times and i feel like hes slipping away. I think most of these feelings can be blamed on sleep deprivation, everything is magnified when you are tired. In the past 4 weeks, Mr Me and I have gone to bed at the same time, twice. One of those times was last night. He didnt kiss me as we settled down. Simply due to being exhausted, nothing was meant by it. But it broke my heart. I couldnt sleep. I felt a massive sense of forboding. I cant explain why.

We have talked about this briefly. Mr Me has assured me he loves me just as much as he did 4 weeks ago, and that we both have enough love for each other to love another person. We both agree we have no idea how to deal with this but that we will. I feel pathetic. Jealous of my husband loving our son, i mean, really? Isnt this typically how the partner feels? Not the mother? 

As i say its partly about how in love with Little T he is, and im just not, yet and partly because i feel him slipping away. Whatever it is its making me teary. The ice queen is melting. Mr Me worries its the start of PND which i think scares him a lot. I think its maybe delayed baby blues? Ill mention it to a health professional at my next appointment but perhaps i just need to draft in a Grandma so we can go out for a few hours as a couple and not as parents. I just didnt think id be feeling this way 4 weeks in

I sound so bitter and ungrateful. Im truly not. Im just adjusting to no sleep, less food, Mr Me and I being ships that pass in the night and caring for a newborn

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

The end…?

Ive been doing a lot of thinking in the last couple of weeks. 

I pretty sure im at the end of my IVF journey. Cycle 9 will be our last cycle. I feel quite good about this. 

Why? 

Because i cant keep going, 5 years and 9 cycles is a hell of a lot, before we even bring in the losses. Its a lot.

Im sick of losing, sick of feeling left out, sick of been the one it doesnt work for, sick of hoping, sick of the platitudes. Im just sick of it.

We will go ahead with cycle 9 as id regret it if i didnt, but if it fails, thats us done. No more.

We have done A LOT of talking and its time for a change. We are beginning to talk about adoption and it feels good. We’ve been through the advantages

• No scary pregnancy to contend with
• We will be parents at the end of it
• Greatly reduces the chances of asthma, and Mr Me’s blood condition
• We give a child in need a forever home
• We can stop throwing money at a dream and start saving for a future with a child
• Once in the process, we will always be moving forward not stop starting

There are some negatives;

• Ill never carry my own child
• We wont get the newborn experience

However, as there will be a 6 month period after IVF before we start the application for Adoption and i can deal with those negatives in those 6 months. I still get a pang when i see a pregnant belly and thats something ill need to grieve before going into adoption. But i can do that.

Its taken 7 years but im at my limit. Mr Me is at his limit. Weve wasted so much time, energy and money on this journey. Ok, not wasted, but its enough now.

Im telling people i just want a little person to love, so why does it have to come out of me? It doesnt. Itd be amazing dont get me wrong, but its no longer a NEED. What i do NEED is to be a parent.

I had to go through all we have, to reach this point. I cant say the losses were great, they were horrid, but they have made me who i am now. For that im grateful.

Im finding myself more and more down about IVF and thats a signal its time to end this. I find it hard now more than exciting/positive.

Having said that, cycle 9 is booked. We fly 31st August. Ill give it my all, i always do, but the pressure wont be as great because we have a new plan. 

In different news, L comes back to the UK for a spell this week! So excited! Im even buying a dress…i dont do dresses, shows how much ive missed her and how excited i am to go out with her and J! 

Ive also got a night out with M planned! Weve never been able to get a bit drunk together, what with pregnancy and IVF, so itll be a really fun evening. Exciting times! 

Mr Me and I had an amazing weekend. Had a lazy Saturday and then went out for tea and yesterday we had cocktails in the sun

Im not a big drinker (evidenced by my passing out/napping for 3hrs yesterday) but with L coming home, i had to practice! Itll be all good next weekend as i wont pour my own measures (we had drinks in the garden after getting home)! 

So there we have it, change is afoot, and that feels good.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx