Tag: pregnancy afer loss

Induction Update #3

Induction Update #3

So, still here. For about 4hrs after the pessary im in constant pain with irregular contractions, this then tapers off into nothing no matter how much i pace and squat.

After 6hrs on the move ive given in and had a lie down. This has led to the pain easing but possibly more regular contractions. I now get a break between pains which is nice.

Next check in an hour and im hoping my cervix has shortened and dilated even 0.5cm!!! 

Wish me luck

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Massive Sigh of Relief

Massive Sigh of Relief

Today we had the echocardiogram. This a scan that looks at baby’s heart.

We are given this as Milo had HLHS and up until this weekend i hadnt worried about the heart as Millie’s was fine.

As soon as a scan is on the horizion the nerves kick in and you imagine the worse, its a side effect of losing a baby, you just cant help it.

Anyway, we have a healthy heart. 4 chambers, arteries, valves, walls, the full shabang! 

Excellent news.

Baby was a bit wriggly today, which was great to see as he/she have barely moved on previous scans. It did make it harder to check the heart but as the consultant is very experienced it wasnt an issue.

We met the same consultant at Millie’s 16 and 20 week heart scans. Hes a brilliant doctor, so considerate, always talks about what he can see, points out the bits that are missing in HLHS, shows you the blood flow etc etc. He also hums as he scans, which is lovely.

One very big hurdle jumped successfully. 

Yesterday, i had my counselling and i have increased this to weekly for a while. I then had my 16 week Midwife appointment with V (bereavement Midwife). We went through blood pressure (had to do it twice as we talked through the 1st one and the BP monitor picked up our voices and it drowned out my heartbeat…who knew!!), and then we had a listen in with the doppler.

I can now believe this…

I had to do a pee sample as normal and even though it was clear, V sent it to lab just to confirm the UTI has now cleared with the 2nd lot of antibiotics.

Im also seeing V weekly for a while too just to try and keep my anxiety under control.

I think if I only get baby scans every 3 or 4 weeks, ill be having private ones but V seems to think Rainbow clinic will see me every 2 weeks if thats what i need, but thats not until 23 weeks!!! That still seems like a lifetime away.

Next scan is 18+4 with Pre Term Clinic where they will check my cervix is closed and long. Not really a baby scan so im not sure that will hold me until the anomaly scan.

The anomaly scan is at 19+4 then its a long wait to Rainbow clinic at 23 weeks so we have already planned a private scan in the 21st week. The really really scary week. 

Im off work in that week and im keeping busy whilst not overdoing it. Mr Me is off too, my friend is bringing her toddler to visit and there will be a scan (if i can find my lady balls) but thats 5 weeks away so not in the realms of reality yet! 

Today is a good day…fingers crossed it holds my anxiety off for a while as i could do with a few more good sleeps!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

A-OK

A-OK

I had a scan today, just a quick 10 minute one.

We arrived early and i was quite (very) anxious. When it was our turn, i explained to the sonographer why i was anxious and she admitted she had lost a baby too.

Within seconds, there was baby and heart was beating away. We had a little listen too. Sounds good and strong but Tuesday we find out if its healthy.

Such a relief to know baby was still alive.

Then we looked at baby in 3D. Ive never been sure about 3D, the baby always looks like an ailen to me. It was quite amazing to see baby with its hands over its face and then sucking its thumb and to see the mouth opening and closing though.

We purchased pictures for the grandmas.

Meet Morph….

I cant help but think of Morph when i see this but it is strangely mesmerising.

36 hours until Midwife, then fetal heart scan on Tuesday.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

This is going to be a tricky pregnancy…

This is going to be a tricky pregnancy…

Ive spent this afternoon in the early pregnancy unit, again.

After never going, i’ve now been twice in just over 2 weeks. I feel like i may be there often.

I went to the loo at work and there i was just bleeding profusely. No cramps but lots of blood.

Dashed out the office without really letting people know why, they thought i had an early finish! Sorry everyone!! 

Got to EPU and they told me it could be a 4hr wait so i settled in. I was assessed within 30 minutes and instantly put on the list for a scan. 

Within 50 minutes i had an internal scan and told the sonographer (who diagnosed Milo) i was prepared for bad news.

She had a look and turned the screen to show me a baby with a heartbeat, my response? ‘fuck off’. I seriously thought i had miscarried. Had told Mr Me to prepare himself and then theres a blob with a heartbeat…

Shocked isnt the word. Im flabbergasted. There was SO MUCH blood. Wherever its coming from isnt affecting baby though, its nice and high in my uterus, measuring a day ahead and has a Crown to Rump length of 22mm. 

They advised me to rest, i.e. bed rest. Even said i should get a bell to save my voice 😂😂

Clinic (Team Miracle) have told me to come off aspirin, increase the progesterone pessaries to 4 times a day, and keep my legs up.

They also told me to use a proluton (ass jab) if i had one, which i do. They really bloody hurt. But, if it keeps baby in place and stops the bleeding, itll be worth it.

I notice a pattern here….Milo, all good until 20 weeks, Millie ok until 12 weeks, Storm Trooper, naughty from 6 weeks on.

Its going to be a LONG 31 weeks if this continues.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx 

My Baby Loss Stories

My Baby Loss Stories

Yesterday i asked you to share your story, here are both of mine…

Milo’s story – after 3.5yrs ttc and 4 rounds of IVF we got our 1st BFP. Ecstatic wasnt the word. We, like everyone, immediately started planning for our future. I bought what i wanted when i wanted. The 12 week scan was textbook although he was naughty and showed his bottom a lot,  there was nothing to worry about. We had cracked it, infertility hadnt beaten us we had beaten it. The pregnancy flew by, i had the occasional worry it was ‘too easy’ but i pushed them to the back of mind. The 20 week scan came around, we didnt want to know the gender. I commented on how clear the scan was, i could see the heart. The sonographer was quiet. Too quiet. Then she said ‘im sorry i think there is something very wrong with babys heart’. Ushered into a small room and then fast tracked to a same day appointment. Baby had a heart condition incompatible with life (HLHS). 4 days later i signed consent to end the pregnancy. On 13th March 2014, Milo was born sleeping, 36 hours after my 1st medication to induce labour. He fought until 2 hours before he was born.
Millie’s story – A year after the BFP that gave us Milo, our 6th IVF cycle brought us a new pregnancy. This time we were more cautious, a BFP didnt mean a baby and nor did a heartbeat. At 12 weeks her nuchal measurement was too high. 4 weeks of tests and scans later showed she was ok. We started to relax. We went to the baby show and i went a bit mad buying things. Clear fetal heart scan at 16 weeks and perfect anomaly and heart scans at 20 weeks. We were home free. On 26th March 2015 i had backache, at 4pm i started contracting and at 7.48pm our perfect girl was born sleeping. We lost her to unknown infection

These are very ‘slimmed down’. For more detailed information, please read ‘the story of Milo’ and from ‘I dont know how or when’ onwards for Millie.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Private Scan

Private Scan

Today i had the private scan at 6+4 which i booked as soon as i got pregnant.

We could see a bit more today. Not much more but it was abdominal rather than internal/dildo cam! Woohoo!! 

As you may remember i was hoping for a funny looking thing….well, someone spotted this….

Baby Stormtrooper!!!! 

Heres a few other pictures too

Seeing the echocardiogram was pretty fantastic.

Im still a bit of a robot, but Mr Me had a little tear in his eye when he spotted the heart fluttering.

Baby stormtrooper is growing rapidly, CRL on Tuesday was 5.9mm and today was 9mm!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Longest. Pregnancy. Ever.

Longest. Pregnancy. Ever.

The problem with IVF pregnancies is you find out really early. The problem with early testing is you find out even earlier! 

I found out at 3w 6d and im now 5w 3d. It feels like ive been pregnant 3 months already.

Weeks 4 to 6 are ever so dull as you have no symptoms so its like being in limbo. The wait for the early scan is equally monotonous. 8 more sleeps feels like 8 more years. You spend most of the 1st trimester wishing your life away and then suddenly youre 12 weeks and then you wake up the next day and you are 20 weeks. Its all very odd.

Being cometely numb to it all isnt helping with that either. However my counsellor says my ’emotional break’ is very healthy. Over the last few years i have been (with Mr Me) to the extreme of every emotion and back again. Its been exhausting. So my counsellor thinks its nice im having a break from all that even if it does feel very strange. She thinks its healthy and thatll do for me. I wont worry myself over this too much.

My only real symptom is the vivid dreaming and night peeing. Hence being awake at 5.30am. The vivid dreams range from nice to nasty to downright weird. What does seem to be a recurring theme  though, are my 6th form friends.

I havent spoken to many of them in 13/14 years. I left 6th form at 18 somewhat under a black cloud due to being bullied in my final year and a year later i moved to Manchester, whereas they stayed in my home town and kept up thier friendships.

Its a shame really as they were a bunch of rather nice people. Last time i saw them was at M&G’s wedding. It was all a bit awkward though. Something i regret really but i wasnt then who i am now. Wasnt as strong or confident in myself. I wish there was a way to get us all together again to repair those friendships but perhaps too much time has passed? Anyhow my subconcious is very keen to bring them up over and over and as i dont know much about dream interpretation, im going with literal meaning.

Hopefully getting all this down means i can have another kip before work.

Night! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Emotional Shut Down

Emotional Shut Down

Well im 5 weeks today. 

Since the initial burst of relief and excitement last Saturday when i did my early test, ive essentially shut down emotionally.

Its weird but im struggling to come to terms with the fact im pregnant. I mean im acting pregnant, i.e. doing all the right things, watching what i eat, keeping my fluids up but i just havent accepted im pregnant.

Im not happy or excited but equally im not worried or scared, which i guess is a blessing in disguise.

One one of the groups i admin there was talk of Feotal Reduction and someone likened it to Abortion. That struck a chord, my heart was racing. I still hate that word, it gets to me.

This morning i was quite sad when i got up but id had a bad night with horrid vivid dreams, one of my only symptoms so far, so that combined with the A word last night probably accounts for my mood.

I have asked other TFMR/baby loss mummys if they felt this ‘numbness’ when getting pregnant again, and it does seem a fair few do and they believe its a way to protect themselves from further pain. It does make sense. 

Its hard though as everyone around me is sooooo excited for us and im just not feeling it. I smile and nod along, its the polite thing to do but im just not feeling it.

At this point i wouldnt say im finding things hard, its just very different to what i expected.

This weekend has been very relaxed, as per Doctor’s orders. I had my flu jab on Saturday, followed by a nap and a lazy afternoon and then dinner at an Italian.

Today i had my eyebrows threaded, followed by a decaff coffee (which tasted odd) and another lazy afternoon and tonight we are going out for chinese.

The progesterone bloat at the end of the day is pretty horrendous and my stomach is black and blue from the clexane, but all in all everything else is fine. Its a bit early for any other symptoms.

Progesterone bloat and Clexane brusies

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Final Cycle – Day 30

Final Cycle – Day 30

Official Test Day.

We made it at last. Bloods drawn at 9am by a very lovely doctor and results at 3pm.

Hcg level 561.5 at 12 days past a 5 day transfer.

Lovely strong number! With Millie it was 814 and she was a singleton at the scan at 9 weeks 4 days so my anxiety regarding triplets and quads is slightly relieved.

Of course, numbers dont tell all but im feeling much calmer than i have been.

Its still not real though!!!! Im still not accepting im pregnant. Im doing everything a pregnant woman should, i.e. looking after myself but its just not hit me yet, im pregnant. Again.

Team Miracle have been brilliantly supportive as usual and are looking forward to scan pics….from what ive seen baby may look like a caterpillar at 6 weeks-ish but if people want pics, i will oblige.

So thats it folks. Thats a short protocol ICSI cycle with PGD and EmbryoScope. 

Done in 30 days. Not too long really but wow what a journey. I just want to thank EVERY SINGLE ONE of you for reading, cheering me on, sending encouragement and love from afar. I had no idea how many people keep up to date with my journey and its simply overwhelming.

I hope ive kept you entertained and that maybe you learnt something new or feel better about the process if you are about to embark on your own journey.

I will be blogging throughout my pregnancy, and of course if you cant follow me anymore, i totally get it. I had to stop reading pregnancy blogs for a while. Its hard when you feel it should be you and its not.

Thank you all so much again though, and lets see what pregnancy has in store for Mr Me and I this time.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx